Today is the last day of 2014. As I sit here and reflect there have been so many things that have happened good and bad. So many lessons I have learned. I know in order for growth to occur I have to be open to learning and doing more than I ever have.
I have learned to say NO. I used to want to make everyone happy. However, I was not happy myself. Saying no is very liberating.
I have learned that my opinion is just that MINE. Not everyone has to agree. I do not have to agree with everyone. Nor do I need to share that opinion with everyone.
I have taken writing back to heart. I can de-stress just by writing about an experience or decision.
I have taken myself out of situations that are toxic. All except one. I am working on that situation.
I have learned that I am an image. In order for my business to be successful I have to look the part no matter if I am working or not.
I have learned who cares for and about me. You will never have to wonder about who are your real friends.
I have learned to let my children live their own lives. I watched so many years as my ex and his mother tried to control every aspect of our lives. I do not want to do this to my kids. I was told at the beginning of December that I might be a grandmother and the thought was comforting. I always said I was not ready. But it is not my decision it is the decision of my son and daughter in law. I have to let go and let them live. It is not as hard as I thought. I am anxious to find out the results however.
I have learned that although I have an illness, I am not the illness. I can overcome it all with the power of positive thinking and movement. The most important thing I was told several years ago was to keep moving and that could get me over the pain. I did not believe it then but I do now.
I have learned not to be upset by others opinions of me.
I have learned that part of receiving is giving. Giving without expectation of any type of reward. It is easier then it seems and becomes something you no longer think about. I think my upbringing and the esthetics profession have brought me a long way in this concept.
I have learned to complain less. I does nothing for you.
I have learned to speak positives about others. Joel Osteen preached about this and it is true. Holding someone in high regard is much more important than holding yourself up. Passing blessings on is a critical point in life.
I have learned that speaking, acting or reacting negatively only produces negative results.
I have learned that something good happens every day. You may have to look for it sometimes.
I learned that praying is key. Not for my wants and desires but for others. Praying for others has become something I do several times a day. Yes, I still pray for myself it is just not for material things. I pray for protection, guidance, strength and understanding.
One of the most important things I have re-learned is to go and do. I used to always make excuses why I could not succeed. I was too busy, tired, scared and a host of other excuses. I have driven more places and done more this year than I have in a long time. I have had many first. First trip to the state fair, first time seeing orchestra, first time at miller theater and I have driven to Dallas 7 times this year for various reasons. I am actually living my life. I have read not just for fun but self discovery. I have learned to make gifts instead of buying them.
Over the past four years my life has centered around goals. My new goals are to finish my certification as an esthetic instructor, work on finishing my bachelors, become healthy, grow my business so I can leave massage envy being self employed and enjoy this great world of ours. I want to travel to somewhere different every few months. Of course Vegas and New York but I also want to see the east and west coastlines as well as historic points.
Wednesday, December 31, 2014
Wednesday, December 10, 2014
Where am I now? The 30 days have come and gone.
I began this experiment back in August and at the beginning thought it would not make much difference. I was so wrong. I am enjoying life so much more.
Last year this time my mother was very ill and in the hospital. I fought with several members of the family. I was a mess at work because they wanted more from me. I had just taken my finals and was trying to catch my breath. I also had taken a very big leap of faith and opened my business. Something was missing. I was angry. I was emotional. I was really a wreck.
I was trying so hard to make my goals and dreams come to fruition. Pushing and pushing with everything I had. I was not sleeping. I was not eating right. I wasn't doing enough for my business. Worst thing of all I was not living. All the things that I loved to do had gone to the back burner. It was not until my birthday that I kept thinking. All this and I can't say I am really happy or enjoying my life.
In August, I was forced to re-evaluate my life. I turned 49. I had been taking on-line classes but now had to be on campus four nights a week. At work the owner of the establishment told me that I made the choice to be that busy. He and she both said for that reason I should not complain. My business was picking up. One of my mentors told me in these times we have to really carve time out to enjoy life. Have dinner with friends, go to the movies, spend time writing about my experiences, travel and the last thing she mentioned was meditation. I can honestly say that I have done all of these things.
Just as my friend predicted when I started I feel much calmer. I take time and breaks for me. I have learned to say no and not to over commit. It has not been easy. Self-evaluation is one of the keys of my life. I am grateful to those who support my journey. I am grateful to the woman who prophesied over me last September. Most of all I am grateful to God for blessing me with so much.
Last year this time my mother was very ill and in the hospital. I fought with several members of the family. I was a mess at work because they wanted more from me. I had just taken my finals and was trying to catch my breath. I also had taken a very big leap of faith and opened my business. Something was missing. I was angry. I was emotional. I was really a wreck.
I was trying so hard to make my goals and dreams come to fruition. Pushing and pushing with everything I had. I was not sleeping. I was not eating right. I wasn't doing enough for my business. Worst thing of all I was not living. All the things that I loved to do had gone to the back burner. It was not until my birthday that I kept thinking. All this and I can't say I am really happy or enjoying my life.
In August, I was forced to re-evaluate my life. I turned 49. I had been taking on-line classes but now had to be on campus four nights a week. At work the owner of the establishment told me that I made the choice to be that busy. He and she both said for that reason I should not complain. My business was picking up. One of my mentors told me in these times we have to really carve time out to enjoy life. Have dinner with friends, go to the movies, spend time writing about my experiences, travel and the last thing she mentioned was meditation. I can honestly say that I have done all of these things.
Just as my friend predicted when I started I feel much calmer. I take time and breaks for me. I have learned to say no and not to over commit. It has not been easy. Self-evaluation is one of the keys of my life. I am grateful to those who support my journey. I am grateful to the woman who prophesied over me last September. Most of all I am grateful to God for blessing me with so much.
Tuesday, November 11, 2014
I was told this evening that I am a bad parent.
Have you ever been told that you are a bad parent. Today was my second time hearing this from one of my children. It came from my oldest son Christopher Gloyd this time. His sister was the first. Three years ago I apologized to all three of my kids for the mistakes I made. He was the only one who never said anything about it.
He is about to be 34 on Friday. He has always been stoic. In the past few years only talks if he needs something. He thinks that this behavior is somehow an adult behavior. He told me that I was a bitch to all three of his girlfriends. Yes, I admit I do have a strong personality. But I am not concerned at all with whom he is with. That is a decision only he can make. I have not hated any of his girlfriends.
I went wrong during my first divorce. I let my ex push me out of the equation. He tells everyone that he never did anything to me. If you call pulling a gun on me twice nothing okay. If you call verbal abuse nothing okay. If you call a 3 year affair nothing okay. If you call being told you can't harass your ex-wife at work nothing (by the store security and store manager) okay. If you call death threats nothing okay. But all this is what I lived with for many years even after the divorce. At the time I was not as strong as I am now. I would not ask for help. My mother defended him not knowing most of this. She still doesn't. She was privy to many of the heated threats. She was there when he took me to court while I was battling illness. I don't think many believed me my ex was and is a charmer. That is until you are of no use to him.
Yes, I have said no to my kids. Yes, I was not the easy parent. Yes, I think I could have done more. But when a person does not communicate with you how are you to know how they feel?
I had the same conversations with my mom. I was mad at her for a long time for things that happened in my childhood. After years of self help books and introspection I know that she was not to blame entirely. Nevertheless I did not disrespect my mother or her home.
What I want to know is how long will you hold on to this anger? this disrespect? this cold attitude.
He is about to be 34 on Friday. He has always been stoic. In the past few years only talks if he needs something. He thinks that this behavior is somehow an adult behavior. He told me that I was a bitch to all three of his girlfriends. Yes, I admit I do have a strong personality. But I am not concerned at all with whom he is with. That is a decision only he can make. I have not hated any of his girlfriends.
I went wrong during my first divorce. I let my ex push me out of the equation. He tells everyone that he never did anything to me. If you call pulling a gun on me twice nothing okay. If you call verbal abuse nothing okay. If you call a 3 year affair nothing okay. If you call being told you can't harass your ex-wife at work nothing (by the store security and store manager) okay. If you call death threats nothing okay. But all this is what I lived with for many years even after the divorce. At the time I was not as strong as I am now. I would not ask for help. My mother defended him not knowing most of this. She still doesn't. She was privy to many of the heated threats. She was there when he took me to court while I was battling illness. I don't think many believed me my ex was and is a charmer. That is until you are of no use to him.
Yes, I have said no to my kids. Yes, I was not the easy parent. Yes, I think I could have done more. But when a person does not communicate with you how are you to know how they feel?
I had the same conversations with my mom. I was mad at her for a long time for things that happened in my childhood. After years of self help books and introspection I know that she was not to blame entirely. Nevertheless I did not disrespect my mother or her home.
What I want to know is how long will you hold on to this anger? this disrespect? this cold attitude.
Tuesday, November 4, 2014
The power of positivity
Changing the clock back this past weekend got me to thinking late Saturday evening and early Sunday morning. I thought in the past week I had changed a few things and come out better.
I had gotten sick a week before and because of the sickness I had to change my eating habits drastically. It was not a good thing to be sick but I needed to make the best of the situation. At the time I got sick I lost the ability to eat anything greasy, dairy or heavy. Through the week I had tried these foods out of sheer hunger and each time ended up doubled up in pain. I was on the BRAT diet and felt like I was losing weight. Since then I have made only a slight modification to the diet and added baked chicken breast, watermelon and cantaloupe. I had already missed work one day and school two days that week. Ending the week by changing time and gaining an hour of sleep seemed simple in comparison. So what if I change something else? I went to bed with these thoughts Saturday night and woke bright and early at 5 a.m. Sunday morning. I had been waking up at six prior to this morning because of my body clock.
As I lay there thinking it dawned on me that it was a perfect day to implement positive change.What would be the best way to implement my change. I thought about the things that I had wanted to do for a long time. The list was meditation to get along and control my attitude, bible study and writing.
I did not move for the longest time. I began the meditation with some deep breathing and relaxing my muscles. I read that meditating before you even wake up is a good exercise to get the mind and body in gear for the day. I worked from my toes up to my head. I controlled my breathing and relaxed segments of my body at a time. Feeling nature and the earth. I could feel the tension leaving my body. The headache I had been battling for over a week was easing. I continued this exercise for 30 minutes. I have not really meditated before so I thought that was a good length of time. After I lay there for 30 minutes I didn't want to move right away so I lay there breathing. My mind felt so clear and in tune.
At this point I went on with my day. My mantra was positive mind positive day.
I made some coffee realizing as I clean the kitchen how calm I was. Normally I get upset when I have to do the dishes because I rarely eat at home. But I did so with a smile and a lighter step as I contemplated my day. Coffee in hand I wanted to complete one of my other changes.
I have been neglecting church and bible study lately. So I decided to watch online. As I listened to the music and the pastor two topics stuck out in my mind. The first was about a dream that I had several days before and the second was how I came to know Jesus. As I wrote the words came quickly without thinking. My thought process was clearer. It was then that I realized it was only 830 in the morning as I completed my second blog entry.
I made plans to complete the rest of my to do list. As the day went by I remained clear and focused my energy level was high. When the sun went down I did not regret what I had not completed like I normally do. Instead I made a list of things to do the following day. I made a promise to myself to wake each morning an hour earlier to meditate, write and plan.
Monday, November 3, 2014
In what ways is your sensitivity increasing? What changes have you made in your life to accommodate your sensitivity?
I have found in the past few years that my sensitivity to em"People, events and words has grown.
In my past I was shut off from the world. I did not let life touch me emotionally. I really didn't care what was happening around me. I actually tried my best not to listen or hear what the universe was trying to tell me. I had empathy but only to an extent. I lived I a fog of non-existence.
When I was younger I felt so much and left myself open to everything. As I was hurt by people I began to shut down. With each hurt a bit of the wall around me grew. Nevertheless this all changed several years ago. I was out of work quite a bit suffering with fibromyalgia. I had a lot of time to think and reflect. I had a lot of time to work on the person I was. I definitely wanted to change this. I was not living for me but for everyone in my life. This I knew had to change immediately. I t took me a long time to learn the word No. As I began living for me my sensitivity to the universe was opened. My intuition was active again. I began to enjoy life with less. I began to truly live my life. I have missed so much of life but I guarantee I will. Be sensitive to the rest.
Wednesday, October 22, 2014
Be Open to Possibility
Be open to possibility.
Yesterday I wrote this post and it vanished. I stayed up last night trying to remember what I wrote. I could not. I was upset and frustrated. It was only words. But these words were from my heart.
So I decided when I finally made myself go to bed that I need to listen to those words. I need to be open to what could happen instead.
So I woke up a little early this morning and pondered this thought again.
I know several years ago I thought that my life was meant to be live one way.
I was not open to possibilities.
I thought that I did not have enough time to go back to school. So I put it off. I thought that I was doomed to work in my career. So I stayed in a job the made me unhappy but also stressed. But all that began to change four years ago.
I went back to school and received my certification in esthetics. I continued after that and am still working on my degree. I left the career that I had worked in since I was twenty and started a career as an esthetician. I began to travel again. I have taken several road trips alone. I have opened my own business.
Being open to possibility has opened so many doors for me.
I can say that I am open to possibility.
I am open to life. I am open to learning. I am open to discovery. I am open to change. I am open to challenge.
What I am not open to is negativity. Not open to bullying. Not open to being used.
I hope in all these words mean something. I began writing this as a challenge from a friend. Now I write as a challenge to myself. I will never know if my words help anyone. Nevertheless I write them because I know I am not the only one.
Yesterday I wrote this post and it vanished. I stayed up last night trying to remember what I wrote. I could not. I was upset and frustrated. It was only words. But these words were from my heart.
So I decided when I finally made myself go to bed that I need to listen to those words. I need to be open to what could happen instead.
So I woke up a little early this morning and pondered this thought again.
I know several years ago I thought that my life was meant to be live one way.
I was not open to possibilities.
I thought that I did not have enough time to go back to school. So I put it off. I thought that I was doomed to work in my career. So I stayed in a job the made me unhappy but also stressed. But all that began to change four years ago.
I went back to school and received my certification in esthetics. I continued after that and am still working on my degree. I left the career that I had worked in since I was twenty and started a career as an esthetician. I began to travel again. I have taken several road trips alone. I have opened my own business.
Being open to possibility has opened so many doors for me.
I can say that I am open to possibility.
I am open to life. I am open to learning. I am open to discovery. I am open to change. I am open to challenge.
What I am not open to is negativity. Not open to bullying. Not open to being used.
I hope in all these words mean something. I began writing this as a challenge from a friend. Now I write as a challenge to myself. I will never know if my words help anyone. Nevertheless I write them because I know I am not the only one.
Tuesday, September 30, 2014
"the one"
This is something I read a few months ago. I wanted to take my time and think about this statement that follows before commenting.
In my opinion, "the one" is nothing but a myth. I think we have a very unhealthy way of looking at dating that needs to change. If you're someone who's looking for "the one," I want to ask you a question. How many times in your life did you think you'd found "the one?"
I read this and thought its true. There will not be that one person that qould fulfil your every desire. Nor will you be a person to fulfil every desire of another.
I think we get too caught up in finding that one person to be our everything when we should focus on being the best mate possible. Society has played a part in this twisted thought process we have. Showing us the perfect woman or man on screen. There is no such thing. Speaking from a personal perspective I am not perfect nor do I project that idea.
I have flaws. I am demmanding, sometimes impatient, speak my mind and have standards. I don't expect my mate to be just like me. What I do need is someone to challenge my intelligence, share some of my interest and to understand my drive.
I have been totally guilty of thinking I found "the one" only to discover that they weren't what I had dreamed them up to be. In my past I wanted to change my mate. Now the focus is on changing me to be a better mate. I think this way of thinking has helped me realize who I am and who I can be in a relationship.
Thursday, September 18, 2014
The space in between
I have been reflecting over the past and present as I become aware of who I was, am, and will be.
I have reflected more about the my difficult times than the positive side.
This afternoon as I sat in my car the weather was rainy and dreary most of the day. I had two clients scheduled but only worked on my regular client.
I realized something in me has changed. I am calmer, not quick to act out with aggression or to attack as I have in the past.
In the past I would have yelled, cussed or argued. Now I just sit back and watch others.
I don't know if it is that I am getting older or that I am just over everything and everyone. I am worried about me and what I want to accomplish.
Sure I played the game in the past. Yes, I was overly aggressive. Now nothing seems to really matter outside of achieving my goals and dreams.
Complacency
In today's times we have become so complacent. We go about our every day lives not caring how we infringe on others. We talk loudly on our cell phones not caring if we are disturbing others. We text while others are attempting to hold a conversation with us. We chew with our mouths open showing the world what we are eating. We essentially have no table manners. We drive as if we are thw only ones on the road.
However, we wonder why others do not take us seriously or want to be around us.
All this I have mentioned above has happened in the past three hours of driving and being at work.
When did manners go out of style? When did it become okay to talk loudly, smack your food, bite your fork or live in the world as you are the only inhabitant?
I may be ranting but I don't want to listen to five cellular phones go off all day long. I also don't want to see your food ir hear you eating.
My mother taught us that all of things are improper behavior. You will rarely hear my phone, t.v., car radio (except when my jam comes on) and I never smack or bite my fork. If I can do this so can every one else.
Okay I'm done.
Wednesday, September 10, 2014
What is my dream?
What is my dream??
On any given day my dream may change slightly.
However, for the most part my dream is to get a B.S. in Management, have my own thriving business and teach esthetics at Chi School of Cosmetology Lone Star North Harris. These are my goals as well.
I sometimes dream of being able to travel the United States and the world. There is so much to see and learn. I want to learn Spanish and French just because. I want to have a beautiful home. I want to be able to have great friends and experiences. I even have silly ideas like owning the latest version of Dodge Challenger.
I have been more open to these dreams in the past few years. Up until May of 2012 I had never gone on a road trip with a bunch of women. Up until October last year I had never been to Vegas. May of this year was my first solo road trip. June this year was my first adult trip that did not include immediate family. Even living in a diverse city, I had never been to Miller Outdoor Theater until last month.
What happened to change me you ask. Several things and people happened. I was very ill for many years, I got my second divorce and I moved home. These things could be looked at as bad or good. But what they made me want is to live.
I can say since high school ended life has been a series of events. Rushing through life wishing away days only to get to this point in my life and ask how in the hell did I get here. I have memories and pictures of my past and that made me realize how much I was just going through the motions. I thought money would solve issues and bring happiness. I thought working at it would solve the issues and bring happiness. I even thought if I prayed hard enough the issues would be gone and God would see fit to make me happy. It does not work like that. The one ingredient missing was that I was not living my dream. I was always living the dreams of others. When I began living my dreams and my life then is when my blessings began. I am not saying I did not work hard, or the money did not come. What I am saying that in all the wanting I was not living my dreams and my life. It is not a matter of being selfish it is a matter of loving yourself enough and working to make yourself a good citizen of this planet. That is who I am and what I want to work towards.
On any given day my dream may change slightly.
However, for the most part my dream is to get a B.S. in Management, have my own thriving business and teach esthetics at Chi School of Cosmetology Lone Star North Harris. These are my goals as well.
I sometimes dream of being able to travel the United States and the world. There is so much to see and learn. I want to learn Spanish and French just because. I want to have a beautiful home. I want to be able to have great friends and experiences. I even have silly ideas like owning the latest version of Dodge Challenger.
I have been more open to these dreams in the past few years. Up until May of 2012 I had never gone on a road trip with a bunch of women. Up until October last year I had never been to Vegas. May of this year was my first solo road trip. June this year was my first adult trip that did not include immediate family. Even living in a diverse city, I had never been to Miller Outdoor Theater until last month.
What happened to change me you ask. Several things and people happened. I was very ill for many years, I got my second divorce and I moved home. These things could be looked at as bad or good. But what they made me want is to live.
I can say since high school ended life has been a series of events. Rushing through life wishing away days only to get to this point in my life and ask how in the hell did I get here. I have memories and pictures of my past and that made me realize how much I was just going through the motions. I thought money would solve issues and bring happiness. I thought working at it would solve the issues and bring happiness. I even thought if I prayed hard enough the issues would be gone and God would see fit to make me happy. It does not work like that. The one ingredient missing was that I was not living my dream. I was always living the dreams of others. When I began living my dreams and my life then is when my blessings began. I am not saying I did not work hard, or the money did not come. What I am saying that in all the wanting I was not living my dreams and my life. It is not a matter of being selfish it is a matter of loving yourself enough and working to make yourself a good citizen of this planet. That is who I am and what I want to work towards.
Of all our human resources, the most precious is the desire to improve.
Of all of our human resources, the most precious is the desire to improve. I heard this statement a few days ago and realized this is my answer to people concerned that I am overextending myself.
A few years ago I was getting a divorce, moving home, suffering from fybromyalgia and had really just given up on life. I would talk to people in support groups trying to figure out how they made it when I could barely leave my bed. The answer was simple they all had a desire to improve the situation in which they found themselves.
Don't get me wrong. I have had many days of self doubt. I didn't want to get out of bed. I didn't want to work pass the pain. I wanted to have my life back. I didn't want to live at home. However, I did want to improve. At that time I changed careers. This change allowed me to realize that I still had dreams. One of my biggest dreams was to complete my degree. Since I had recently left the field I had been in since my teen years, I was a bit lost on where to go. The one thing that had brought me joy at work had been makeup. I remembered my days at the Lancome counter that were some happy days. I loved making people feel special. But there was something missing. I could definitely do a makeup application in no time flat but I was always telling the client about skincare.
I then wanted to be the person taking care of the skin and doing the makeup. I got lucky and worked for a group that believed in education. They told me they could help me go back to school if I liked. I jumped at the chance. It took nine months of sacrifice but was worth it I would have my esthetic certification. I had a position I could move into as soon as I got my license. That is when things changed in my mind. I wanted more. I wanted to have not only the certificate but my degree and to own my own business. I decided to take a class while working on the last semester of my certification. In May at our graduation ceremony, one of the history professors spoke. He said "If you think this is the end of your education process, you are wrong. You aren't done yet." He was right and his words echo in my mind when the days get to long or I am tired.
To be an active participant in this thing called life, we are constantly learning. It may not be in a formal institution but we learn something everyday. I took that statement and continued working towards my bachelors degree. I had a plan. As soon as I finished my degree, I was going to go back and get my teaching certification for esthetics. Every semester I struggled with the balance or work, school and living my life. Nevertheless, with each course I completed I was closer to my goal. This past summer I realized I had only three courses to go to get my associates. I hurried and signed up for the three thinking I could graduate and start at Sam Houston State in January. By chance at a graduation ceremony I was told that I could possibly start my instructor training at the end of the summer. I went through the process was told there was not a program for me. I was not discouraged however, I kept asking others how they obtained their training. Finally I got a positive answer and was enrolled in the program. It was 2 years earlier than my plan but I am ready. I still am going to get my associates and transfer to Sam Houston but it will be on hold at least for this semester.
No, I am not a brainiac, overachiever or total bookworm I just have the desire to improve me for me and to actually live my life.
A few years ago I was getting a divorce, moving home, suffering from fybromyalgia and had really just given up on life. I would talk to people in support groups trying to figure out how they made it when I could barely leave my bed. The answer was simple they all had a desire to improve the situation in which they found themselves.
Don't get me wrong. I have had many days of self doubt. I didn't want to get out of bed. I didn't want to work pass the pain. I wanted to have my life back. I didn't want to live at home. However, I did want to improve. At that time I changed careers. This change allowed me to realize that I still had dreams. One of my biggest dreams was to complete my degree. Since I had recently left the field I had been in since my teen years, I was a bit lost on where to go. The one thing that had brought me joy at work had been makeup. I remembered my days at the Lancome counter that were some happy days. I loved making people feel special. But there was something missing. I could definitely do a makeup application in no time flat but I was always telling the client about skincare.
I then wanted to be the person taking care of the skin and doing the makeup. I got lucky and worked for a group that believed in education. They told me they could help me go back to school if I liked. I jumped at the chance. It took nine months of sacrifice but was worth it I would have my esthetic certification. I had a position I could move into as soon as I got my license. That is when things changed in my mind. I wanted more. I wanted to have not only the certificate but my degree and to own my own business. I decided to take a class while working on the last semester of my certification. In May at our graduation ceremony, one of the history professors spoke. He said "If you think this is the end of your education process, you are wrong. You aren't done yet." He was right and his words echo in my mind when the days get to long or I am tired.
To be an active participant in this thing called life, we are constantly learning. It may not be in a formal institution but we learn something everyday. I took that statement and continued working towards my bachelors degree. I had a plan. As soon as I finished my degree, I was going to go back and get my teaching certification for esthetics. Every semester I struggled with the balance or work, school and living my life. Nevertheless, with each course I completed I was closer to my goal. This past summer I realized I had only three courses to go to get my associates. I hurried and signed up for the three thinking I could graduate and start at Sam Houston State in January. By chance at a graduation ceremony I was told that I could possibly start my instructor training at the end of the summer. I went through the process was told there was not a program for me. I was not discouraged however, I kept asking others how they obtained their training. Finally I got a positive answer and was enrolled in the program. It was 2 years earlier than my plan but I am ready. I still am going to get my associates and transfer to Sam Houston but it will be on hold at least for this semester.
No, I am not a brainiac, overachiever or total bookworm I just have the desire to improve me for me and to actually live my life.
Thursday, September 4, 2014
30 Days of Awareness Day 5
I did not want to get up this morning. It was late last night when I went to sleep. Coming home at 940 each night makes it hard to go straight to sleep. I am normally so wound up that I cannot relax. So when I woke up it was a struggle to get out of bed. I did not have time to reflect before I started my day. I got ready and went straight to work.
However, when I got to work my schedule was bare. Not one single client scheduled today. I was okay with it I have a list of things to do starting with reading for school. It was about ten when I left work and since I got home I have done nothing. I talked to my mother for a few minutes and finally got off my tush. I washed my brushes something that I had put off. Then I started thinking. Why has it taken me so long to realize my dreams?
The answer is simple no matter how you look at it. If you look at it from a spiritual standpoint. God was working in his time and not mine. It can also be said that I was not ready in God's eyes or with life.
I have contemplated that fact for so many years and did not understand this until recently. In life I kept asking why not me? Why can't I have the happy life or the nice house, why is my life so much harder than others. But really I have to say all those things made me the unique person that I am.
The hatred and anger that I had in my heart was so intense it was blocking my blessings. Don't get me wrong I have been married twice. I lived in two houses and liked different things about them. I have been happy in my life and had many great memories. There was always something more that I wished for in each instance. More importantly there was something in me that was not right.
I figured it all out when I started school in August of 2011. I had been so busy living everyone's life but not my own. I was a mom, wife, daughter but I really did not have a career. Nor was I able to have much time to myself. The kids are grown up and I am divorced. I was finally able to start working for my dreams.
Originally I wanted to get my estheticians license and finish my business degree. Halfway through my first semester I started taking business classes. I worked hard every semester.
A turn of events with my job in September 2013, made me readjust almost everything. I happened to be at a quarterly training estheticians. Normally after these classes a co-worker and I would get something to eat then head back towards work. While at dinner a lady approached me and told me that I would have to quit my job tomorrow or I would be fired. She told me that the other two managers were conspiring to fire me. If I wanted to leave on my terms then I needed to do so the next day. She explained that she was giving me a message from God and told me things that no one knew about me. I got back to work and immediately was jumped by the two managers. I left thinking about my dinner conversation.
I went home that night and had a long talk with my mother as I prepared my resignation letter. I was confronted the next morning again. I quit my job due to difficulty with a new manager hired in over me. I was not angry. I called the owner of the business and asked for a meeting. I turned my resignation into him and after a long talk and lots of tears from both of us I left. Three years of ups and downs came to a close. But more importantly all the stress, anger, exhaustion and attitude disappeared instantly. A few days later I signed a lease on a new business location.
I reassessed my goals and plans again and went to work for another location. I have to be thankful to the owners of my previous location for helping with the move. I was nervous about starting again. I had been injured in an accident in April of 2013 my past job the new manager had used my injury against me. Those events started me thinking about what I want to do when I am not performing facial services. I knew that I wanted to get my certificate as an esthetic instructor. I even began to talk like I had the job. Up until this past summer semester I was focusing on my degree and working on my business. I figured I had another two years before I could do anything else. I have been an member of the advisory board for cosmetology since graduation. I attended several meetings and events throughout the year. One such event this summer was a graduation. I stayed after the graduation to talk with some of my instructors and other members of the board. We somehow came to the subject of the instructor program and one of the staff told me to contact the counselor to enroll. When I did she told me that the program was only for cosmetology. I was upset and started asking where I could go to get my training. Luckily one of the instructors who had been out of town contacted me. She told me they could do the program I would have to apply that night. Of course I immediately did so. She called the next day to set up an interview. I was nervous got up early and was ready hours before I had to meet her. The interview was a series of 5 questions. I was done in 5 minutes. I was in shock. I did not know what to do with myself I was in. The program that I thought was two years off was happening now. I quickly cancelled my other classes.
I told all of this to show that prior to this I was not ready. God was not ready for me to have this. Now that he is things are falling into place. I am in place. I am happy for the most part. Yes, I do have my times when I am sad. I do want more out of life. I still want that home. I want to be able to come home to peace and quiet. I want to be able to cook in comfort. I want to be able to touch all my stuff that has been in storage for the past four years.
But what I do not want is to go back. I am happy in the now living in the now. I do have plans for the future. Success will only come with a plan. So I wait, I work hard, study harder and pray for guidance. I am ready.
However, when I got to work my schedule was bare. Not one single client scheduled today. I was okay with it I have a list of things to do starting with reading for school. It was about ten when I left work and since I got home I have done nothing. I talked to my mother for a few minutes and finally got off my tush. I washed my brushes something that I had put off. Then I started thinking. Why has it taken me so long to realize my dreams?
The answer is simple no matter how you look at it. If you look at it from a spiritual standpoint. God was working in his time and not mine. It can also be said that I was not ready in God's eyes or with life.
I have contemplated that fact for so many years and did not understand this until recently. In life I kept asking why not me? Why can't I have the happy life or the nice house, why is my life so much harder than others. But really I have to say all those things made me the unique person that I am.
The hatred and anger that I had in my heart was so intense it was blocking my blessings. Don't get me wrong I have been married twice. I lived in two houses and liked different things about them. I have been happy in my life and had many great memories. There was always something more that I wished for in each instance. More importantly there was something in me that was not right.
I figured it all out when I started school in August of 2011. I had been so busy living everyone's life but not my own. I was a mom, wife, daughter but I really did not have a career. Nor was I able to have much time to myself. The kids are grown up and I am divorced. I was finally able to start working for my dreams.
Originally I wanted to get my estheticians license and finish my business degree. Halfway through my first semester I started taking business classes. I worked hard every semester.
A turn of events with my job in September 2013, made me readjust almost everything. I happened to be at a quarterly training estheticians. Normally after these classes a co-worker and I would get something to eat then head back towards work. While at dinner a lady approached me and told me that I would have to quit my job tomorrow or I would be fired. She told me that the other two managers were conspiring to fire me. If I wanted to leave on my terms then I needed to do so the next day. She explained that she was giving me a message from God and told me things that no one knew about me. I got back to work and immediately was jumped by the two managers. I left thinking about my dinner conversation.
I went home that night and had a long talk with my mother as I prepared my resignation letter. I was confronted the next morning again. I quit my job due to difficulty with a new manager hired in over me. I was not angry. I called the owner of the business and asked for a meeting. I turned my resignation into him and after a long talk and lots of tears from both of us I left. Three years of ups and downs came to a close. But more importantly all the stress, anger, exhaustion and attitude disappeared instantly. A few days later I signed a lease on a new business location.
I reassessed my goals and plans again and went to work for another location. I have to be thankful to the owners of my previous location for helping with the move. I was nervous about starting again. I had been injured in an accident in April of 2013 my past job the new manager had used my injury against me. Those events started me thinking about what I want to do when I am not performing facial services. I knew that I wanted to get my certificate as an esthetic instructor. I even began to talk like I had the job. Up until this past summer semester I was focusing on my degree and working on my business. I figured I had another two years before I could do anything else. I have been an member of the advisory board for cosmetology since graduation. I attended several meetings and events throughout the year. One such event this summer was a graduation. I stayed after the graduation to talk with some of my instructors and other members of the board. We somehow came to the subject of the instructor program and one of the staff told me to contact the counselor to enroll. When I did she told me that the program was only for cosmetology. I was upset and started asking where I could go to get my training. Luckily one of the instructors who had been out of town contacted me. She told me they could do the program I would have to apply that night. Of course I immediately did so. She called the next day to set up an interview. I was nervous got up early and was ready hours before I had to meet her. The interview was a series of 5 questions. I was done in 5 minutes. I was in shock. I did not know what to do with myself I was in. The program that I thought was two years off was happening now. I quickly cancelled my other classes.
I told all of this to show that prior to this I was not ready. God was not ready for me to have this. Now that he is things are falling into place. I am in place. I am happy for the most part. Yes, I do have my times when I am sad. I do want more out of life. I still want that home. I want to be able to come home to peace and quiet. I want to be able to cook in comfort. I want to be able to touch all my stuff that has been in storage for the past four years.
But what I do not want is to go back. I am happy in the now living in the now. I do have plans for the future. Success will only come with a plan. So I wait, I work hard, study harder and pray for guidance. I am ready.
Wednesday, September 3, 2014
30 days of Awareness Day 4
As I continue this exercise I realize there is so much that has gotten me this far in life. Last night while I was in class I listened to the other students. No I was not judging their comments or actions just seeing myself in each one of them. I have to say they are for the most part in their 20's and have not had a great deal of life experience. It got me to thinking, why is it that we take so long to get to this point in life. Could it be that we need this time to experience life. Is this something that we could pass on or down so others have an easier time getting to this point?
I sit her this morning and ponder all these life lessons. I spoke in an earlier post about the anger that I felt towards God, but I was also angry at society for letting these hurts happen. I see this anger in the students.
So today I am grateful for the past, the healing and life itself. The past has taught me who I no longer wish to be and shaped who I am today. The healing has allowed me to overcome past wounds and move on to bigger and better things. Life, I have found in the past few years is for living. I have learned to get out on my own, to explore and try new adventures. I have learned to live and love.
By no means am I perfect person. I still cannot tolerate those who take advantage over others or are inconsiderate. I live with one of those types and not by choice. I also have no patience with those types. They feel their lives are more important than others and will walk over someone who is weaker in a heartbeat without looking back. Okay, yes I still have some anger. This is one of those test that I am faced with every single day that I live in my mother's house. I fight to keep my mouth shut. But my question is why should I have to?
I sit her this morning and ponder all these life lessons. I spoke in an earlier post about the anger that I felt towards God, but I was also angry at society for letting these hurts happen. I see this anger in the students.
So today I am grateful for the past, the healing and life itself. The past has taught me who I no longer wish to be and shaped who I am today. The healing has allowed me to overcome past wounds and move on to bigger and better things. Life, I have found in the past few years is for living. I have learned to get out on my own, to explore and try new adventures. I have learned to live and love.
By no means am I perfect person. I still cannot tolerate those who take advantage over others or are inconsiderate. I live with one of those types and not by choice. I also have no patience with those types. They feel their lives are more important than others and will walk over someone who is weaker in a heartbeat without looking back. Okay, yes I still have some anger. This is one of those test that I am faced with every single day that I live in my mother's house. I fight to keep my mouth shut. But my question is why should I have to?
Tuesday, September 2, 2014
30 days of Awareness Day 3
I was absent for a few days. I was going to try and lump all the days together to catch up. However, I would lose the reality and emotion of this adventure. I started last night but could not wrap up all my thoughts into one. I wanted to get out of these four walls. Originally I was supposed to be out of the house Friday to Monday. However, Friday I found myself in a horrible mood and not feeling so well. I pretty much stayed in bed all day. I worked on my last post and my latest project. I began writing some deep poems to fit my mood. By ten I was feeling sick. Three shots of crown and 2 shots of NyQuil I figured would kill whatever it was. Saturday morning felt much better and reverted to the original plan to hang out with Aaron. While I awaited his arrival I worked on my awareness. I was on a role explaining how I came to my present time and the a few of the obstacles that I encountered along the way.
At the beginning of this exercise I had several questions going through my mind.
Who am I?
What do I want to accomplish?
Where do I see myself?
It is funny that now I can answer these questions with ease. Four years ago I had no clue. Maybe it is the fact of my age or what I have been through. No matter they deserve an answer.
In regards to Who am I? I am so many things. I am a child, a sibling, a friend, a mother, a lover, a wife, a student, a teacher, a child of God, a warrior in the fight for me, a writer, a reader, the list could go on for days.
Nevertheless, the most important out of everything is that I am a child of God. You may see me post something about God. I really mean what I post. I have found in the past few years that for many years I was mad at God. I was mad because of things that happened to me in my childhood. I was mad at him for not making me wealthy. I was mad because my marriages ended. I was mad because it seems that I have to struggle for everything. I was mad because my grandmother died. Heck I was even mad because Elsa the best dog in the whole world died without me or my brother. I was mad because we did not have the '"Leave it to Beaver" household.
In all this I never gave thanks for what I had become, for what I have, for who I have had in my life and most of all the memories. I could be worse off. I could have nothing. I could even be nothing. But instead I have turned tragedy into triumph with the grace of God. Yes I had some hardships. But there are so many that have been through worse. No I have not won the lottery financially, but I have won the life lottery.
I have 3 beautiful children that I don't see as much as I would like. But they are all contributing to society. My oldest Chris takes everything and bottles it up inside. I have to say he and Heidi make a wonderful couple. I wish for him to finish culinary school so he can find a great job creating wonderful food. Metin recently got married and has a wonderful wife. I wish for him and Jessica a long and happy marriage and that they both finish school. Yasmin I have to say worries me the most. As long as she is with her father things will not be good for her. I feel like I have failed her most of all. I wish that I could have a house where she could live and be at peace.
I want to accomplish or see those things happen for my kids. I want to go back to having dinners at a table as a family. Some of my fondest memories are surrounded by food events. Pancake breakfast, bbq or even fried chicken dinners. My grandmother was always cooking something good. I want to cook in a beautiful kitchen. I want to have order to my things and to have my things.
For me personally I want to finish the student teaching and get a job with Chi Lone Star. I want to reopen my own spa and be able to work with the people that I have had as clients in the past few years. I want to finish my degree just to say I made it.
I want to be able to have my mothers home like it used to be. We always had company that left and went to their own homes.
What happened that made me change four years ago? I moved here while in the process of my divorce. I was very sick at the time and really it was the better idea. I wanted to move in an apartment in Friendswood near work. Not moving there was one of the best and worst things I could have done. The best because I could once I got on my feet, pay off some of my bills. I could have a roof under my head during that recovery and even now.
The other thing that has happened is that I know I don't want to stay here. I want to be able to come home to a peaceful home. No Donna, Devon, Courtney, No people sleeping on the couch. No loud televisions waking me up. No frogs croaking all night. NO CLUTTER IN EVERY SINGLE ROOM. NO LOUD TALKING. A COMFORTABLE REAL BED. AND MORE THAN ONE BATHROOM THAT EVERYONE CAN USE.
I see myself teaching at Chi. I see myself working for myself. I see myself traveling. I see myself living in a beautiful home. I declare all this for me and my life.
At the beginning of this exercise I had several questions going through my mind.
Who am I?
What do I want to accomplish?
Where do I see myself?
It is funny that now I can answer these questions with ease. Four years ago I had no clue. Maybe it is the fact of my age or what I have been through. No matter they deserve an answer.
In regards to Who am I? I am so many things. I am a child, a sibling, a friend, a mother, a lover, a wife, a student, a teacher, a child of God, a warrior in the fight for me, a writer, a reader, the list could go on for days.
Nevertheless, the most important out of everything is that I am a child of God. You may see me post something about God. I really mean what I post. I have found in the past few years that for many years I was mad at God. I was mad because of things that happened to me in my childhood. I was mad at him for not making me wealthy. I was mad because my marriages ended. I was mad because it seems that I have to struggle for everything. I was mad because my grandmother died. Heck I was even mad because Elsa the best dog in the whole world died without me or my brother. I was mad because we did not have the '"Leave it to Beaver" household.
In all this I never gave thanks for what I had become, for what I have, for who I have had in my life and most of all the memories. I could be worse off. I could have nothing. I could even be nothing. But instead I have turned tragedy into triumph with the grace of God. Yes I had some hardships. But there are so many that have been through worse. No I have not won the lottery financially, but I have won the life lottery.
I have 3 beautiful children that I don't see as much as I would like. But they are all contributing to society. My oldest Chris takes everything and bottles it up inside. I have to say he and Heidi make a wonderful couple. I wish for him to finish culinary school so he can find a great job creating wonderful food. Metin recently got married and has a wonderful wife. I wish for him and Jessica a long and happy marriage and that they both finish school. Yasmin I have to say worries me the most. As long as she is with her father things will not be good for her. I feel like I have failed her most of all. I wish that I could have a house where she could live and be at peace.
I want to accomplish or see those things happen for my kids. I want to go back to having dinners at a table as a family. Some of my fondest memories are surrounded by food events. Pancake breakfast, bbq or even fried chicken dinners. My grandmother was always cooking something good. I want to cook in a beautiful kitchen. I want to have order to my things and to have my things.
For me personally I want to finish the student teaching and get a job with Chi Lone Star. I want to reopen my own spa and be able to work with the people that I have had as clients in the past few years. I want to finish my degree just to say I made it.
I want to be able to have my mothers home like it used to be. We always had company that left and went to their own homes.
What happened that made me change four years ago? I moved here while in the process of my divorce. I was very sick at the time and really it was the better idea. I wanted to move in an apartment in Friendswood near work. Not moving there was one of the best and worst things I could have done. The best because I could once I got on my feet, pay off some of my bills. I could have a roof under my head during that recovery and even now.
The other thing that has happened is that I know I don't want to stay here. I want to be able to come home to a peaceful home. No Donna, Devon, Courtney, No people sleeping on the couch. No loud televisions waking me up. No frogs croaking all night. NO CLUTTER IN EVERY SINGLE ROOM. NO LOUD TALKING. A COMFORTABLE REAL BED. AND MORE THAN ONE BATHROOM THAT EVERYONE CAN USE.
I see myself teaching at Chi. I see myself working for myself. I see myself traveling. I see myself living in a beautiful home. I declare all this for me and my life.
Saturday, August 30, 2014
30 days of Awareness Day 2
I wrote my first post late in the afternoon yesterday. Although not much time has passed things have occurred in my life.
I originally had this weekend off to take a girls trip to Austin. We all have birthdays this month. They are all young twenty somethings and wanted me to tag along. In a way I felt great about the trip as I just turned 49. In the back of my mind I keep thinking where has all the time gone.
Not too long ago my family and I had just moved to Houston from Nuremberg, Germany. My husband at the time was working for Continental Airlines. I was a stressful time trying to buy a home and get the kids settled and for me to find a job. That was actually in 1994. Where did all those years go? Did I accomplish anything? Was I really living my life?
The answer to all this was that at the time I was doing the best that I could with the knowledge I had. Yes, there are so many thing that I could have done differently. We all say that. The question is would I have wanted to change my path. I did accomplish a few things. My children grew up healthy and safe. (although they think that they had it bad) I worked really hard and made a name for myself. (This is the one thing that I would and have changed) It is not all about work anymore. I am taking more time for me and working on myself. I actually work only 29 hours a week now for several reasons. I am in the process of developing my own business and I am still in school.
I have gotten divorced twice since I moved back to Houston both for the better. Out of those two marriages ending I learned a great deal about myself. My first marriage was turbulent. My ex husband allowed others into our marriage. From the very start his mother was a ruling force in our lives. She was and is an overbearing manipulative person that wants it only to be her way. What I failed to see thinking that I was in love was that my husband was the same way. No I did not listen to those who tried to warn me. We never listen when we should. My ex husband also brought another woman into our marriage.
I remember getting a phone call saying that my husband was in Japan with the woman he was having an affair with. Then we could only communicate by email. Or he would call. He was never the type to call and check on the kids when he traveled. When he got back I asked him about her. Of course he denied it all.
Looking back there were so many signs of an affair. The phone calls that I would answer and no one would be there. We got a caller ID but those calls were unavailable. The late work nights that happened all the time before I found out. The trips that seemed totally unnecessary. We stopped being intimate. He began sleeping on the couch. I hid all this from my family. My mother knew a little of our problems because when I began to suspect something she was there.
It was at this point that I had a nervous breakdown. For a month I did not shower, I hardly ate, I was seeing a therapist or psychiatrist every other day and I was not allowed to drive. (Although twice when I had the thought of hurting myself I made my way to their offices. I do not know how I did it but I drove to the office. The doctor was alarmed that I did not remember the drive. I just knew I needed help.) My mother and grandmother stayed with me to take care of the kids. When I came out of that phase I was a different person. I quit my job as a counter manager and went to work for a book store in the same mall. I have always been comforted by books and being around them. One day I got a call from my former boss asking me to go to another store and help them out. I did and began my return to my field. I threw myself into work again as a cover. Between work and the kids I really did not have a moment to spare. I would get up get them out the door go to work and then after school activities. By the time dinner time came
I unfortunately found out that there were witnesses to the affair one day at work. I happened to be talking to one of his co-workers who wanted me to do her makeup for her wedding. I asked why we did not get together anymore only to be told that he did with someone else. They thought that I knew and was okay with it. When I confronted him he told me I was wrong. I petitioned for a divorce the next day. From then on our relationship was a series of threats against my life and stalking. Originally he moved in with a friend but the threats got so bad to the point of him threatening my friend. At this point he was telling me daily that he would rather see me dead. He had a gun and kept it in the car with him. I decided then to walk away from the kids and the house. I felt it was better for me to be alive for my kids then to deal with the threats. The police were called twice but did nothing. They told me he had not actually touched me so I could only have it documented. Which they also did not do. On the occasion that he threatened my friend she also had a gun and warned him to stop. I took my things and things I had been given by family and moved into an apartment nearby. He could not get to me at the house so he started bothering me at work. While I was working it was so bad that the store manager had him banned from the store. I was not allowed to leave work alone. This is when he began using the kids to get to me. Which he still does with one of them. Sad but true.
On the day of the divorce proceedings in 2000 he tried to stop me from getting the divorce. He wanted to talk but as soon as the judge declared us divorced I left the building. Apparently he had also threatened my lawyer and she did not show up she had a male counterpart there with me. He was winning on all fronts and I had lost everything.
I had never lived on my own before this. It was very hard. I was sick constantly. I eventually moved in with my friend and then back home. On the work front things were going well. I was promoted to a higher volume store. However, the store was much farther away. I had to rely on people to take me and pick me up. This was when I met husband number two. He sent me an email asking me to dinner. I was mean and told him off. He replied that he was not my ex and he would just like to go to dinner. We were married six months later. The job got better and led to another promotion.
Our store was relocating and I was working at both locations. I would go in at 7 a.m. and leave at 10:30 p.m. five days a week. I did this for two months as we prepared for our grand opening. When the grand opening came I was under so much pressure that my body was rebelling. I made it through the opening was promoted and a week later was in the hospital. I was very ill. Thankfully I had accepted a salaried position. I drove myself to the hospital with a migraine, symptoms of a heart attack and stroke. I stayed for two weeks without an answer. I was sent home and then to a cardiologist. A few weeks later before I could get clearance to go back to work I was back in the hospital. I thought I was going to die. Same symptoms only worse. The left side of my body was numb, my head pounded so bad that I wanted someone to kill me and I could not keep food down. I stayed for another two weeks and I was released after having a series of MRI's without getting the results. Luckily the elders from the church came and prayed with me I think this was my turning point but was in so much pain that nothing really mattered. I was taught how to give myself injections for pain and 12 pills to take a day. Once again mom to the rescue with my husband right there as well. I was losing the ability to walk and think. On the way home from the hospital we got something to eat and my medication. It was then that we also got the call that I needed to return to the hospital immediately. I had an aneurysm at the back of my skull. That was the reason for all of my symptoms and pain. They told me that I had 10 hours or 10 days or if I was lucky ten weeks but not to get upset. I handed my mom the phone. I had begged not to be released and now they were telling me all this. I begged not to be taken back there.
Mom and Dad called in favors and I was set up for an appointment with the top neurosurgeon in the country. He ordered his own MRI and set up an appointment the next day. How could they mess up so badly. When he read his MRI the aneurysm was no longer there. He suggested I work with a local neurologist for follow up treatment. All they symptoms were however. I was not allowed to drive, I could not consume caffeine or salt, I could not be left alone and my neurologist had me on weekly visits. I had a brain and heart cath which both came out fine. I was madly trying to research everything I could on my symptoms. I was fed up with the local doctors and finally after 5 months found the neurologist I use still. He was treating me for classic migraines and eventually told me my job was the issue. I didn't believe him at first but as time went by I began to listen. The first med he gave me was amazing. However, I failed to remember what he said about taking it while sitting down and almost cracked my skull on the coffee table. What I did not know until I returned to work 5 months later, was that symptoms were there long before I had taken myself to the hospital. I would speak German to staff members and they thought I was drinking.
Problems in my marriage that were budding came full force soon after this. We were both different in our parenting styles. He allowed things that would never occur even with my boys. He thought my kids were spoiled. Resentment built up over the years. His daughter had been living with us prior to my illness. She had invited a friend to live there as well. Both were still in high school. The friend had let me know on several occasions that she was interested in my husband. We all fought and his daughter ran away before all my illness. When I was a little better all these issues came crashing back down. My ex was taking me to court while I was sick he would not bring the kids to see me. I was not living during this time. His mother became sick soon after this and others became part of our marriage.
I kept pushing for a house and he did not want that over our heads but he relented. Three more promotions followed and the financial crisis hit. I was demoted to make room for someone else. My life was falling apart again and no one understood. I accepted a position closer to his job and closer to the house we just purchased. Now there was the financial burden my salary took a major hit. I became ill again and this time it was the headaches. I would throw up before work, try to go to work, throw up as soon as I walked in the back door and sometimes during my shift. My doctor even wrote a note saying that they were working on a treatment plan. I knew I could not keep on this way. I was talking to men online, my husband only wanted to pay attention to me when he wanted sex. We also had a friend of mine staying with us during this time. A huge mistake on my part. I remember the Saturday it all came to an end. I had developed pneumonia and was told to stay home for a week. We were supposed to go to Sherwood Forest renaissance fair. I could not go but he did not cancel. He returned from that trip announcing that he was applying for a divorce. A day later the woman posted on his Facebook how much in love they were. I confronted him and told him that I would leave. I took my sweet time 3 months to pack and move. I moved home with my mom and waited for the divorce. I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia during this time and was starting the medication. This had been the underlying issue for 12 years or longer. I was finally getting somewhere when the divorce happened. I was out of control. Looking for someone to love me the way I thought I needed. Too many bad hook-ups.
But it was also at this point that I began soul searching and finding my way as an individual. I was home and mom offered to help in any way she could. I finally quit my job with a company I had been with for 15 years and started in a totally new career. I went back to school and got my license in esthetics. I was finally living for me. I was slowly finding me as a person. Not me the daughter, the mother, the wife or even the friend just me as me. I gained a new appreciation for all the brought me to this point. I began writing again. I was less angry at the world and taking responsibility for what has happened in my life. I was there as well and I played the victim really well. I just was not kind to myself.
People have called me driven in the last few years. They have also said I would never make it this far. I think in all this time only a select few have been positive in my life. The biggest champion has been me. I have taken myself out of the excuse phase and worked on results. Sure I am not where I want to be forever, but I am happy where I am now. There are things that I still want to accomplish and am working towards. However, I can truly say I am living my life and I have all the time in the world.
I originally had this weekend off to take a girls trip to Austin. We all have birthdays this month. They are all young twenty somethings and wanted me to tag along. In a way I felt great about the trip as I just turned 49. In the back of my mind I keep thinking where has all the time gone.
Not too long ago my family and I had just moved to Houston from Nuremberg, Germany. My husband at the time was working for Continental Airlines. I was a stressful time trying to buy a home and get the kids settled and for me to find a job. That was actually in 1994. Where did all those years go? Did I accomplish anything? Was I really living my life?
The answer to all this was that at the time I was doing the best that I could with the knowledge I had. Yes, there are so many thing that I could have done differently. We all say that. The question is would I have wanted to change my path. I did accomplish a few things. My children grew up healthy and safe. (although they think that they had it bad) I worked really hard and made a name for myself. (This is the one thing that I would and have changed) It is not all about work anymore. I am taking more time for me and working on myself. I actually work only 29 hours a week now for several reasons. I am in the process of developing my own business and I am still in school.
I have gotten divorced twice since I moved back to Houston both for the better. Out of those two marriages ending I learned a great deal about myself. My first marriage was turbulent. My ex husband allowed others into our marriage. From the very start his mother was a ruling force in our lives. She was and is an overbearing manipulative person that wants it only to be her way. What I failed to see thinking that I was in love was that my husband was the same way. No I did not listen to those who tried to warn me. We never listen when we should. My ex husband also brought another woman into our marriage.
I remember getting a phone call saying that my husband was in Japan with the woman he was having an affair with. Then we could only communicate by email. Or he would call. He was never the type to call and check on the kids when he traveled. When he got back I asked him about her. Of course he denied it all.
Looking back there were so many signs of an affair. The phone calls that I would answer and no one would be there. We got a caller ID but those calls were unavailable. The late work nights that happened all the time before I found out. The trips that seemed totally unnecessary. We stopped being intimate. He began sleeping on the couch. I hid all this from my family. My mother knew a little of our problems because when I began to suspect something she was there.
It was at this point that I had a nervous breakdown. For a month I did not shower, I hardly ate, I was seeing a therapist or psychiatrist every other day and I was not allowed to drive. (Although twice when I had the thought of hurting myself I made my way to their offices. I do not know how I did it but I drove to the office. The doctor was alarmed that I did not remember the drive. I just knew I needed help.) My mother and grandmother stayed with me to take care of the kids. When I came out of that phase I was a different person. I quit my job as a counter manager and went to work for a book store in the same mall. I have always been comforted by books and being around them. One day I got a call from my former boss asking me to go to another store and help them out. I did and began my return to my field. I threw myself into work again as a cover. Between work and the kids I really did not have a moment to spare. I would get up get them out the door go to work and then after school activities. By the time dinner time came
I unfortunately found out that there were witnesses to the affair one day at work. I happened to be talking to one of his co-workers who wanted me to do her makeup for her wedding. I asked why we did not get together anymore only to be told that he did with someone else. They thought that I knew and was okay with it. When I confronted him he told me I was wrong. I petitioned for a divorce the next day. From then on our relationship was a series of threats against my life and stalking. Originally he moved in with a friend but the threats got so bad to the point of him threatening my friend. At this point he was telling me daily that he would rather see me dead. He had a gun and kept it in the car with him. I decided then to walk away from the kids and the house. I felt it was better for me to be alive for my kids then to deal with the threats. The police were called twice but did nothing. They told me he had not actually touched me so I could only have it documented. Which they also did not do. On the occasion that he threatened my friend she also had a gun and warned him to stop. I took my things and things I had been given by family and moved into an apartment nearby. He could not get to me at the house so he started bothering me at work. While I was working it was so bad that the store manager had him banned from the store. I was not allowed to leave work alone. This is when he began using the kids to get to me. Which he still does with one of them. Sad but true.
On the day of the divorce proceedings in 2000 he tried to stop me from getting the divorce. He wanted to talk but as soon as the judge declared us divorced I left the building. Apparently he had also threatened my lawyer and she did not show up she had a male counterpart there with me. He was winning on all fronts and I had lost everything.
I had never lived on my own before this. It was very hard. I was sick constantly. I eventually moved in with my friend and then back home. On the work front things were going well. I was promoted to a higher volume store. However, the store was much farther away. I had to rely on people to take me and pick me up. This was when I met husband number two. He sent me an email asking me to dinner. I was mean and told him off. He replied that he was not my ex and he would just like to go to dinner. We were married six months later. The job got better and led to another promotion.
Our store was relocating and I was working at both locations. I would go in at 7 a.m. and leave at 10:30 p.m. five days a week. I did this for two months as we prepared for our grand opening. When the grand opening came I was under so much pressure that my body was rebelling. I made it through the opening was promoted and a week later was in the hospital. I was very ill. Thankfully I had accepted a salaried position. I drove myself to the hospital with a migraine, symptoms of a heart attack and stroke. I stayed for two weeks without an answer. I was sent home and then to a cardiologist. A few weeks later before I could get clearance to go back to work I was back in the hospital. I thought I was going to die. Same symptoms only worse. The left side of my body was numb, my head pounded so bad that I wanted someone to kill me and I could not keep food down. I stayed for another two weeks and I was released after having a series of MRI's without getting the results. Luckily the elders from the church came and prayed with me I think this was my turning point but was in so much pain that nothing really mattered. I was taught how to give myself injections for pain and 12 pills to take a day. Once again mom to the rescue with my husband right there as well. I was losing the ability to walk and think. On the way home from the hospital we got something to eat and my medication. It was then that we also got the call that I needed to return to the hospital immediately. I had an aneurysm at the back of my skull. That was the reason for all of my symptoms and pain. They told me that I had 10 hours or 10 days or if I was lucky ten weeks but not to get upset. I handed my mom the phone. I had begged not to be released and now they were telling me all this. I begged not to be taken back there.
Mom and Dad called in favors and I was set up for an appointment with the top neurosurgeon in the country. He ordered his own MRI and set up an appointment the next day. How could they mess up so badly. When he read his MRI the aneurysm was no longer there. He suggested I work with a local neurologist for follow up treatment. All they symptoms were however. I was not allowed to drive, I could not consume caffeine or salt, I could not be left alone and my neurologist had me on weekly visits. I had a brain and heart cath which both came out fine. I was madly trying to research everything I could on my symptoms. I was fed up with the local doctors and finally after 5 months found the neurologist I use still. He was treating me for classic migraines and eventually told me my job was the issue. I didn't believe him at first but as time went by I began to listen. The first med he gave me was amazing. However, I failed to remember what he said about taking it while sitting down and almost cracked my skull on the coffee table. What I did not know until I returned to work 5 months later, was that symptoms were there long before I had taken myself to the hospital. I would speak German to staff members and they thought I was drinking.
Problems in my marriage that were budding came full force soon after this. We were both different in our parenting styles. He allowed things that would never occur even with my boys. He thought my kids were spoiled. Resentment built up over the years. His daughter had been living with us prior to my illness. She had invited a friend to live there as well. Both were still in high school. The friend had let me know on several occasions that she was interested in my husband. We all fought and his daughter ran away before all my illness. When I was a little better all these issues came crashing back down. My ex was taking me to court while I was sick he would not bring the kids to see me. I was not living during this time. His mother became sick soon after this and others became part of our marriage.
I kept pushing for a house and he did not want that over our heads but he relented. Three more promotions followed and the financial crisis hit. I was demoted to make room for someone else. My life was falling apart again and no one understood. I accepted a position closer to his job and closer to the house we just purchased. Now there was the financial burden my salary took a major hit. I became ill again and this time it was the headaches. I would throw up before work, try to go to work, throw up as soon as I walked in the back door and sometimes during my shift. My doctor even wrote a note saying that they were working on a treatment plan. I knew I could not keep on this way. I was talking to men online, my husband only wanted to pay attention to me when he wanted sex. We also had a friend of mine staying with us during this time. A huge mistake on my part. I remember the Saturday it all came to an end. I had developed pneumonia and was told to stay home for a week. We were supposed to go to Sherwood Forest renaissance fair. I could not go but he did not cancel. He returned from that trip announcing that he was applying for a divorce. A day later the woman posted on his Facebook how much in love they were. I confronted him and told him that I would leave. I took my sweet time 3 months to pack and move. I moved home with my mom and waited for the divorce. I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia during this time and was starting the medication. This had been the underlying issue for 12 years or longer. I was finally getting somewhere when the divorce happened. I was out of control. Looking for someone to love me the way I thought I needed. Too many bad hook-ups.
But it was also at this point that I began soul searching and finding my way as an individual. I was home and mom offered to help in any way she could. I finally quit my job with a company I had been with for 15 years and started in a totally new career. I went back to school and got my license in esthetics. I was finally living for me. I was slowly finding me as a person. Not me the daughter, the mother, the wife or even the friend just me as me. I gained a new appreciation for all the brought me to this point. I began writing again. I was less angry at the world and taking responsibility for what has happened in my life. I was there as well and I played the victim really well. I just was not kind to myself.
People have called me driven in the last few years. They have also said I would never make it this far. I think in all this time only a select few have been positive in my life. The biggest champion has been me. I have taken myself out of the excuse phase and worked on results. Sure I am not where I want to be forever, but I am happy where I am now. There are things that I still want to accomplish and am working towards. However, I can truly say I am living my life and I have all the time in the world.
Friday, August 29, 2014
30 days of Awareness Day 1 Added information
Donna also told me, don't think it has to be heavy or some grand statement. Write your personal truth. If someone needs it or likes it, cool. This is for YOU. If no one comments, OK. You are doing the work to be better, not to be the Facebook Oprah. It does not have to be deep. It is your journey, remember that.
Lastly, really internalize what you discover. Find ways to incorporate your insight into your life.
I have to admit in May when I originally read this I thought to myself that I had to think on it for a few days. My few days turned into three months. However, the change in me did is still happening. I have become more carefree. I started venturing out on my own again.
I rejoined the museum as a member. I have read 5 books in the past five weeks, made six afghans and been to Dallas twice and Vegas. Before last October I had only been outside of the Houston metro area and Galveston area once in May of 2012. I promised myself that I would travel more go to the movies and reach out more. I am just living my life.
30 days of Awareness Day one
I watched a friend and former co-worker make several Facebook post back in May. As I read her entries I asked myself the same questions. What am I grateful for? Who am I? What do I want to accomplish? Where do I see myself? Who do I see myself with? What will make me happy? Will I ever get my works published? So many questions have been circling my mind but in the hustle and bustle I put them in the background as I thought I was living. My friend Donna Shands was making a transformation right before my eyes. What made her want to? I was curious about the process when I saw myself in her words.
When you are ready, just really sit with yourself. Make it early in the morning or late-when you have no distractions and no rush.
Then just focus on what comes to mind. Some of my issues in my life have been: not having a voice, dealing with being seen as pretty but brain-light, not trusting, impatience, etc. So as I sit with myself, as a point of interest pops into my mind, I think of how to get past it."
It has taken me a while to sit down and start. I found excuse after excuse. Today is the day. I am off for the weekend and yesterday was my start of a 3 day weekend.
I began several weeks ago waking the same time almost everyday thinking what can I find to be grateful for today. In each day there has been something even the bad days. So today I can say I am grateful for my mom. She has led me to be the person I am. Independent, strong, intelligent, relentless, beautiful inside (which is far more important than outside), a great cook, avid reader, writer, artist, lover of music, world traveler and contribution to society. Years ago I would not have put most of these beside either of our names. However, the past years have taught me I have so many things to be grateful for. My mother is all of these things that I listed above and more. I take her for granted less now but still I believe that we all do this at some point in our lives. I have become more aware of my affect on her and others.
I moved back home several years ago I knew I had no where else to go. I could have struggled and gotten an apartment but I would have ended up here anyway and most likely in debt. I listened to my mom and moved home. At first I slept on the couch. The noise was too much to take. In the past my house was quiet at night. When I left work I could seek solace in that quiet. But I had a place to stay. Eventually I moved into one of the rooms. My mom has a four bedroom house and when I moved in both of my aunts lived here as well. The room was noisy as it is in the front of the house and my aunts watch television at all hours of the night and come and go as well on that same schedule. I was trying to work after being diagnosed with fibromyalgia shortly before I moved home. My aunts and other family members thought it was all in my head. I could not move some days. I had migraines daily and the medications made me groggy and sleep. I was trying to keep my job at Dillard's but their ancient ideas on staffing made it hard. I would walk into work and throw up or almost pass out.
In 2011, after suffering for over 12 years my doctor sent me to several specialist that could better deal with my condition. Both changed my life so I am grateful for them as well. I slowly stopped taking the medications. I changed jobs and began to work through what was in my head. I felt like a failure to everyone. My new job was okay but I wanted more. I wanted something that I could pour my heart and soul into. I had worked in cosmetics for 17 years and began freelancing with the help of a friend that I had worked with many years before. This made me realize that the beauty industry is where I could see myself. My bosses offered to help me financially. I am grateful to both of them for the assistance. I signed up to take the esthetician program that summer.
Upon my graduation I thought I would be content to work as an esthetician. However, my bosses asked me to be part of the management team. I really wasn't thinking of what I wanted at that point. So I said yes. I was back in the same miserable position as I was when I worked retail. The straw that killed it was a new manager that started with us who did not like me and a young immature co-worker. I left the company after lots of prayer, prophesying by a stranger and a long talk with my mom. Looking back I blame myself. If I worked my dream and not someone else's dream I would have been fine. As strange as it seems I am grateful for this happening as well. Had it not been for that I would not have opened my business, I would not be in the instructor program at Lone Star and I would not be working aggressively towards my bachelors degree.
I am grateful for my friends old and new. My loves and heartbreaks for they have made me see who I really want in my life.
I am most grateful to God. Twice I have tried to end my life. He has sent an angel both times to bring me back. He saved me from several close calls medically. He has shown me that I may think I am damaged goods but as a child of God I am important.
I am more aware of me as an individual, as an employee, a co-worker, a leader, a mother, a daughter, a student, a partner in a relationship, a friend and so many more things that I am or will be in this life. I have become calmer as I try to understand who I am and why I am.
I hope with this open post that I will inspire
Donna's email to me when I asked was this, " I started mine with gratitude for those who inspired me to want to grow. I totally took time to sit quietly and center my thoughts and then put them on my page.
Before you get started, close your eyes and think about the person you want to be. It can be a big change or a little change. Then think about where you are now. Do not get frustrated but be glad that you are in a position to grow. It takes a lot to realize this need.Then just focus on what comes to mind. Some of my issues in my life have been: not having a voice, dealing with being seen as pretty but brain-light, not trusting, impatience, etc. So as I sit with myself, as a point of interest pops into my mind, I think of how to get past it."
It has taken me a while to sit down and start. I found excuse after excuse. Today is the day. I am off for the weekend and yesterday was my start of a 3 day weekend.
I began several weeks ago waking the same time almost everyday thinking what can I find to be grateful for today. In each day there has been something even the bad days. So today I can say I am grateful for my mom. She has led me to be the person I am. Independent, strong, intelligent, relentless, beautiful inside (which is far more important than outside), a great cook, avid reader, writer, artist, lover of music, world traveler and contribution to society. Years ago I would not have put most of these beside either of our names. However, the past years have taught me I have so many things to be grateful for. My mother is all of these things that I listed above and more. I take her for granted less now but still I believe that we all do this at some point in our lives. I have become more aware of my affect on her and others.
I moved back home several years ago I knew I had no where else to go. I could have struggled and gotten an apartment but I would have ended up here anyway and most likely in debt. I listened to my mom and moved home. At first I slept on the couch. The noise was too much to take. In the past my house was quiet at night. When I left work I could seek solace in that quiet. But I had a place to stay. Eventually I moved into one of the rooms. My mom has a four bedroom house and when I moved in both of my aunts lived here as well. The room was noisy as it is in the front of the house and my aunts watch television at all hours of the night and come and go as well on that same schedule. I was trying to work after being diagnosed with fibromyalgia shortly before I moved home. My aunts and other family members thought it was all in my head. I could not move some days. I had migraines daily and the medications made me groggy and sleep. I was trying to keep my job at Dillard's but their ancient ideas on staffing made it hard. I would walk into work and throw up or almost pass out.
In 2011, after suffering for over 12 years my doctor sent me to several specialist that could better deal with my condition. Both changed my life so I am grateful for them as well. I slowly stopped taking the medications. I changed jobs and began to work through what was in my head. I felt like a failure to everyone. My new job was okay but I wanted more. I wanted something that I could pour my heart and soul into. I had worked in cosmetics for 17 years and began freelancing with the help of a friend that I had worked with many years before. This made me realize that the beauty industry is where I could see myself. My bosses offered to help me financially. I am grateful to both of them for the assistance. I signed up to take the esthetician program that summer.
Upon my graduation I thought I would be content to work as an esthetician. However, my bosses asked me to be part of the management team. I really wasn't thinking of what I wanted at that point. So I said yes. I was back in the same miserable position as I was when I worked retail. The straw that killed it was a new manager that started with us who did not like me and a young immature co-worker. I left the company after lots of prayer, prophesying by a stranger and a long talk with my mom. Looking back I blame myself. If I worked my dream and not someone else's dream I would have been fine. As strange as it seems I am grateful for this happening as well. Had it not been for that I would not have opened my business, I would not be in the instructor program at Lone Star and I would not be working aggressively towards my bachelors degree.
I am grateful for my friends old and new. My loves and heartbreaks for they have made me see who I really want in my life.
I am most grateful to God. Twice I have tried to end my life. He has sent an angel both times to bring me back. He saved me from several close calls medically. He has shown me that I may think I am damaged goods but as a child of God I am important.
I am more aware of me as an individual, as an employee, a co-worker, a leader, a mother, a daughter, a student, a partner in a relationship, a friend and so many more things that I am or will be in this life. I have become calmer as I try to understand who I am and why I am.
I hope with this open post that I will inspire
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