30 days of Awareness Day 2

I wrote my first post late in the afternoon yesterday.  Although not much time has passed things have occurred in my life.

I originally had this weekend off to take a girls trip to Austin.  We all have birthdays this month.  They are all young twenty somethings and wanted me to tag along.  In a way I felt great about the trip as I just turned 49. In the back of my mind I keep thinking where has all the time gone.

Not too long ago my family and I had just moved to Houston from Nuremberg, Germany.  My husband at the time was working for Continental Airlines. I was a stressful time trying to buy a home and get the kids settled and for me to find a job.   That was actually in 1994.  Where did all those years go?  Did I accomplish anything?  Was I really living my life?

The answer to all this was that at the time I was doing the best that I could with the knowledge I had.  Yes, there are so many thing that I could have done differently.  We all say that.  The question is would I have wanted to change my path.  I did accomplish a few things. My children grew up healthy and safe. (although they think that they had it bad)  I worked really hard and made a name for myself. (This is the one thing that I would and have changed)   It is not all about work anymore.  I am taking more time for me and working on myself.  I actually work only 29 hours a week now for several reasons.  I am in the process of developing my own business and I am still in school.

I have gotten divorced twice since I moved back to Houston both for the better.  Out of those two marriages ending I learned a great deal about myself.  My first marriage was turbulent. My ex husband allowed others into our marriage. From the very start his mother was a ruling force in our lives. She was and  is an overbearing manipulative person that wants it only to be her way.  What I failed to see thinking that I was in love was that my husband was the same way. No I did not listen to those who tried to warn me. We never listen when we should. My ex husband also brought another woman into our marriage.

I remember getting a phone call saying that my husband was in Japan with the woman he was having an affair with. Then we could only communicate by email. Or he would call.  He was never the type to call and check on the kids when he traveled. When he got back I asked him about her. Of course he denied it all.

Looking back there were so many signs of an affair.  The phone calls that I would answer and no one would be there. We got a caller ID but those calls were unavailable. The late work nights that happened all the time before I found out. The trips that seemed totally unnecessary. We stopped being intimate. He began sleeping on the couch. I hid all this from my family.  My mother knew a little of our problems because when I began to suspect something she was there.

It was at this point that I had a nervous breakdown. For a month I did not shower, I hardly ate, I was seeing a therapist or psychiatrist every other day and I was not allowed to drive. (Although twice when I had the thought of hurting myself I made my way to their offices. I do not know how I did  it but I drove to the office. The doctor was alarmed that I did not remember the drive.  I just knew I needed help.)  My mother and grandmother stayed with me to take care of the kids.  When I came out of that phase I was a different person. I quit my job as a counter manager  and went to work for a book store in the same mall.  I have always been comforted by books and being around them.   One day I got a call from my former boss asking me to go to another store and help them out. I did and began my return to my field. I threw myself into work again as a cover. Between work and the kids I really did not have a moment to spare. I would get up get them out the door go to work and then after school activities.  By the time dinner time came

I unfortunately found out that there were witnesses to the affair one day at work. I happened to be talking to one of his co-workers who wanted me to do her makeup for her wedding. I asked why we did not get together anymore only to be told that he did with someone else. They thought that I knew and was okay with it. When I confronted him he told me I was wrong. I petitioned for a divorce the next day.  From then on our relationship was a series of threats against my life and stalking. Originally he moved in with a friend but the threats got so bad to the point of him threatening my friend. At this point he was telling me daily that he would rather see me dead. He had a gun and kept it in the car with him. I decided then to walk away from the kids and the house. I felt it was better for me to be alive for my kids then to deal with the threats. The police were called twice but did nothing. They told me he had not actually touched me so I could only have it documented. Which they also did not do.  On the occasion that he threatened my friend she also had a gun and warned him to stop.  I took my things and things I had been given by family and moved into an apartment nearby. He could not get to me at the house so he started bothering me at work. While I was working it was so bad that the store manager had him banned from the store. I was not allowed to leave work alone.  This is when he began using the kids to get to me.  Which he still does with one of them.  Sad but true.

On the day of the divorce proceedings in 2000 he tried to stop me from getting the divorce. He wanted to talk but as soon as the judge declared us divorced I left the building.  Apparently he had also threatened my lawyer and she did not show up she had a male counterpart there with me.  He was winning on all fronts and I had lost everything.

I had never lived on my own before this.  It was very hard. I was sick constantly.  I eventually moved in with my friend and then back home.  On the work front things were going well. I was promoted to a higher volume store. However, the store was much farther away.  I had to rely on people to take me and pick me up. This was when I met husband number two.  He sent me an email asking me to dinner. I was mean and told him off.  He replied that he was not my ex and he would just like to go to dinner.  We were married six months later.  The job got better and led to another promotion.

  Our store was relocating and I was working at both locations. I would go in at 7 a.m. and leave at 10:30 p.m. five days a week.  I did this for two months as we prepared for our grand opening. When the grand opening came I was under so much pressure that my body was rebelling.  I made it through the opening was promoted and a week later was in the hospital.  I was very ill.  Thankfully I had accepted a salaried position. I drove myself to the hospital with a migraine, symptoms of a heart attack and stroke.  I stayed for two weeks without an answer. I was sent home and then to a cardiologist.  A few weeks later before I could get clearance to go back to work I was back in the hospital.  I thought I was going to die. Same symptoms only worse. The left side of my body was numb, my head pounded so bad that I wanted someone to kill me and I could not keep food down. I stayed for another two weeks and I was released after having a series of MRI's without getting the results. Luckily the elders from the church came and prayed with me I think this was my turning point but was in so much pain that nothing really mattered. I was taught how to give myself injections for pain and 12 pills to take a day.  Once again mom to the rescue with my husband right there as well. I was losing the ability to walk and think. On the way home from the hospital we got something to eat and my medication. It was then that we also got the call that I needed to return to the hospital immediately. I had an aneurysm at the back of my skull. That was the reason for all of my symptoms and pain. They told me that I had 10 hours or 10 days or if I was lucky ten weeks but not to get upset. I handed my mom the phone. I had begged not to be released and now they were telling me all this.  I begged not to be taken back there.

 Mom and Dad called in favors and I was set up for an appointment with the top neurosurgeon in the country. He ordered his own MRI and set up an appointment the next day.  How could they mess up so badly. When he read his MRI the aneurysm was no longer there. He suggested I work with a local neurologist for follow up treatment. All they symptoms were however. I was not allowed to drive, I could not consume caffeine or salt, I could not be left alone and my neurologist had me on weekly visits.   I had a brain and heart cath which both came out fine. I was madly trying to research everything I could on my symptoms. I was fed up with the local doctors and finally after 5 months found the neurologist I use still. He was treating me for classic migraines and eventually told me my job was the issue.  I didn't believe him at first but as time went by I began to listen. The first med he gave me was amazing. However, I failed to remember what he said about taking it while sitting down and almost cracked my skull on the coffee table.  What I did not know until I returned to work 5 months later, was that symptoms were there long before I had taken myself to the hospital. I would speak German to staff members and they thought I was drinking.


Problems in my marriage that were budding came full force soon after this. We were both different in our parenting styles.  He allowed things that would never occur even with my boys. He thought my kids were spoiled. Resentment built up over the years. His daughter had been living with us prior to my illness. She had invited a friend to live there as well. Both were still in high school. The friend had let me know on several occasions that she was interested in my husband.  We all fought and his daughter ran away before all my illness. When I was a little better all these issues came crashing back down. My ex was taking me to court while I was sick he would not bring the kids to see me.   I was not living during this time. His mother became sick soon after this and others became part of our marriage.  

I kept pushing for a house and he did not want that over our heads but he relented. Three more promotions followed and the financial crisis hit. I was demoted to make room for someone else.  My life was falling apart again and no one understood.  I accepted a position closer to his job and closer to the house we just purchased. Now there was the financial burden my salary took a major hit.  I became ill again and this time it was the headaches.  I would throw up before work, try to go to work, throw up as soon as I walked in the back door and sometimes during my shift.  My doctor even wrote a note saying that they were working on a treatment plan.  I knew I could not keep on this way.  I was talking to men online, my husband only wanted to pay attention to me when he wanted sex.  We also had a friend of mine staying with us during this time.  A huge mistake on my part.  I remember the Saturday it all came to an end.  I had developed pneumonia and was told to stay home for a week.  We were supposed to go to Sherwood Forest renaissance fair. I could not go but he did not cancel. He returned from that trip announcing that he was applying for a divorce. A day later the woman posted on his Facebook how much in love they were. I confronted him and told him that I would leave. I took my sweet time 3 months to pack and move.  I moved home with my mom and waited for the divorce.  I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia during this time and was starting the medication. This had been the underlying issue for 12 years or longer. I was finally getting somewhere when the divorce happened. I was out of control.  Looking for someone to love me the way I thought I needed.  Too many bad hook-ups.

 But it was also at this point that I began soul searching and finding my way as an individual.  I was home and mom offered to help in any way she could.  I finally quit my job with a company I had been with for 15 years and started in a totally new career.  I went back to school and got my license in esthetics.  I was finally living for me.  I was slowly finding me as a person. Not me the daughter, the mother, the wife or even the friend just me as me.  I gained a new appreciation for all the brought me to this point.  I began writing again. I was less angry at the world and taking responsibility for what has happened in my life.  I was there as well and I played the victim really well.  I just was not kind to myself.

People have called me driven in the last few years. They have also said I would never make it this far. I think in all this time only a select few have been positive in my life.  The biggest champion has been me.  I have taken myself out of the excuse phase and worked on results.  Sure I am not where I want to be forever, but I am happy where I am now.  There are things that I still want to accomplish and am working towards. However, I can truly say I am living my life and I have all the time in the world.

30 days of Awareness Day 1 Added information

Donna also told me,  don't think it has to be heavy or some grand statement.  Write your personal truth.  If someone needs it or likes it, cool.  This is for YOU.  If no one comments, OK.  You are doing the work to be better, not to be the Facebook Oprah.  It does not have to be deep.  It is your journey, remember that. 

Lastly, really internalize what you discover.  Find ways to incorporate your insight into your life. 

I have to admit in May when I originally read this I thought to myself that I had to think on it for a few days.  My few days turned into three months.  However, the change in me did is still happening.  I have become more carefree. I started venturing out on my own again.  

I rejoined the museum as a member. I have read 5 books in the past five weeks, made six afghans and been to Dallas twice and Vegas.  Before last October I had only been outside of the Houston metro area and Galveston area once in May of 2012.  I promised myself that I would travel more go to the movies and reach out more.  I am just living my life.

30 days of Awareness Day one

I watched a friend and former co-worker make several Facebook post back in May. As I read her entries I asked myself the same questions. What am I grateful for? Who am I? What do I want to accomplish? Where do I see myself?  Who do I see myself with? What will make me happy? Will I ever get my works published? So many questions have been circling my mind but in the hustle and bustle I put them in the background as I thought I was living.  My friend Donna Shands was making a transformation right before my eyes.  What made her want to?  I was curious about the process when I saw myself in her words.  

 Donna's email to me when I asked was this, " I started mine with gratitude for those who inspired me to want to grow.  I totally took time to sit quietly and center my thoughts and then put them on my page.

Before you get started, close your eyes and think about the person you want to be.  It can be a big change or a little change.  Then think about where you are now.  Do not get frustrated but be glad that you are in a position to grow.  It takes a lot to realize this need.

When you are ready, just really sit with yourself.  Make it early in the morning or late-when you have no distractions and no rush.

Then just focus on what comes to mind.  Some of my issues in my life have been:  not having a voice, dealing with being seen as pretty but brain-light, not trusting, impatience, etc.  So as I sit with myself, as a point of interest pops into my mind, I think of how to get past it."   

It has taken me a while to sit down and start.  I found excuse after excuse.  Today is the day.  I am off for the weekend and yesterday was my start of a 3 day weekend.  

I began several weeks ago waking the same time almost everyday thinking what can I find to be grateful for today.  In each day there has been something even the bad days.  So today I can say I am grateful for my mom. She has led me to be the person I am.  Independent, strong, intelligent, relentless, beautiful inside (which is far more important than outside), a great cook, avid reader, writer, artist, lover of music, world traveler and contribution to society.  Years ago I would not have put most of these beside either of our names.  However, the past years have taught me I have so many things to be grateful for.  My mother is all of these things that I listed above and more.  I take her for granted less now but still I believe that we all do this at some point in our lives.  I have become more aware of my affect on her and others.  

 I moved back home several years ago I knew I had no where else to go.  I could have struggled and gotten an apartment but I would have ended up here anyway and most likely in debt. I listened to my mom and moved home.  At first I slept on the couch. The noise was too much to take.  In the past my house was quiet at night.  When I left work I could seek solace in that quiet.  But I had a place to stay. Eventually I moved into one of the rooms. My mom has a four bedroom house and when I moved in both of my aunts lived here as well.  The room was noisy as it is in the front of the house and my aunts watch television at all hours of the night and come and go as well on that same schedule.   I was trying to work after being diagnosed with fibromyalgia shortly before I moved home.  My aunts and other family members thought it was all in my head. I could not move some days. I had migraines daily and the medications made me groggy and sleep.  I was trying to keep my job at Dillard's but their ancient ideas on staffing made it hard.  I would walk into work and throw up or almost pass out. 

In 2011, after suffering for over 12 years my doctor sent me to several specialist that could better deal with my condition. Both changed my life so I am grateful for them as well.  I slowly stopped taking the medications. I changed jobs and began to work through what was in my head. I felt like a failure to everyone.  My new job was okay but I wanted more.  I wanted something that I could pour my heart and soul into.  I had worked in cosmetics for 17 years and began freelancing with the help of a friend that I had worked with many years before. This made me realize that the beauty industry is where I could see myself. My bosses offered to help me financially. I am grateful to both of them for the assistance. I signed up to take the esthetician program that summer.  

Upon my graduation I thought I would be content to work as an esthetician. However, my bosses asked me to be part of the management team. I really wasn't thinking of what I wanted at that point. So I said yes.  I was back in the same miserable position as I was when I worked retail.  The straw that killed it was a new manager that started with us who did not like me and a young immature co-worker.  I left the company after lots of prayer, prophesying by a stranger and a long talk with my mom. Looking back I blame myself.  If I worked my dream and not someone else's dream  I would have been fine.  As strange as it seems I am grateful for this happening as well.  Had it not been for that I would not have opened my business, I would not be in the instructor program at Lone Star and  I would not be working aggressively towards my bachelors degree.  
I am grateful for my friends old and new.  My loves and heartbreaks for they have made me see who I really want in my life.
I am most grateful to God. Twice I have tried to end my life.  He has sent an angel both times to bring me back. He saved me from several close calls medically.  He has shown me that I may think I am damaged goods but as a child of God I am important.  

I am more aware of me as an individual, as an employee, a co-worker, a leader, a mother, a daughter, a student, a partner in a relationship, a friend and so many more things that I am or will be in this life.  I have become calmer as I try to understand who I am and why I am.

I hope with this open post that I will inspire