"the one"

This is something I read a few months ago.   I wanted to take my time and think about this statement that follows before commenting.

 In my opinion, "the one" is nothing but a myth. I think we have a very unhealthy way of looking at dating that needs to change. If you're someone who's looking for "the one," I want to ask you a question. How many times in your life did you think you'd found "the one?" 

I read this and thought its true.   There will not be that one person that qould fulfil your every desire.  Nor will you be a person to fulfil every desire of another.  

I think we get too caught up in finding that one person to be our everything when we should focus on being the best mate possible.  Society has played a part in this twisted thought process we have.  Showing us the perfect woman or man on screen.  There is no such thing. Speaking from a personal perspective I am not perfect nor do I project that idea. 

I have flaws. I am demmanding, sometimes impatient, speak my mind and have standards.  I don't expect my mate to be just like me.  What I do need is someone to challenge my intelligence, share some of my interest and to understand my drive.  

I have been totally guilty of thinking I found "the one" only to discover that they weren't what I had dreamed them up to be.  In my past I wanted to change my mate.  Now the focus is on changing me to be a better mate.  I think this way of thinking has helped me realize who I am and who I can be in a relationship.

The space in between

I have been reflecting over the past and present as I become aware of who I was, am, and will be. 

I have reflected more about the my difficult times than the positive side. 

This afternoon as I sat in my car the weather was rainy and dreary most of the day.   I had two clients scheduled but only worked on my regular client.

I realized something in me has changed.  I am calmer, not quick to act out with  aggression or to attack as I have in the past. 

In the past I would have yelled, cussed or argued. Now I just sit back and watch others. 

I don't know if it is that I am getting older or that I am just over everything  and everyone.  I am worried about me and what I want to accomplish.

Sure I played the game in the past.  Yes, I was overly aggressive.  Now nothing seems to really matter outside of achieving my goals and dreams.

Complacency

In today's times we have become so complacent.  We go about our every day lives not caring how we infringe on others.  We talk loudly on our cell phones not caring if we are disturbing others.  We text while others are attempting to hold a conversation with us. We chew with our mouths open showing the world what we are eating.   We essentially have no table manners. We drive as if we are thw only ones on the road.

However, we wonder why others do not take us seriously or want to be around us. 

All this I have mentioned above has happened in the past three hours of driving and being at work. 

When did manners go out of style? When did it become okay to talk loudly, smack your food, bite your fork or live in the world as you are the only inhabitant? 

I may be ranting but I don't want to listen to five cellular phones go off all day long.  I also don't want to see your food ir hear you eating.

  My mother taught us that all of things are improper behavior. You will rarely hear my phone, t.v., car radio (except when my jam comes on) and I never smack or bite my fork.  If I can do this so can every one else.

Okay I'm done.

What is my dream?

What is my dream??

On any given day my dream may change slightly.


However, for the most part my dream is to get a B.S. in Management, have my own thriving business and teach esthetics at Chi School of Cosmetology Lone Star North Harris.  These are my goals as well.

I sometimes dream of being able to travel the United States and the world.  There is so much to see and learn.  I want to learn Spanish and French just because.  I want to have a beautiful home.  I want to be able to have great friends and experiences.  I even have silly ideas like owning the latest version of Dodge Challenger.

I have been more open to these dreams in the past few years.  Up until May of 2012 I had never gone on a road trip with a bunch of women.  Up until October last year I had never been to Vegas.  May of this year was my first solo road trip.  June this year was my first adult trip that did not include immediate family.  Even living in a diverse city, I had never been to Miller Outdoor Theater until last month.

What happened to change me you ask.  Several things and people happened.  I was very ill for many years, I got my second divorce and I moved home. These things could be looked at as bad or good.  But what they made me want is to live.

I can say since high school ended life has been a series of events. Rushing through life wishing away days only to get to this point in my life and ask how in the hell did I get here.  I have memories and pictures of my past and that made me realize how much I was just going through the motions. I thought money would solve issues and bring happiness. I thought working at it would solve the issues  and bring happiness.  I even thought if I prayed hard enough the issues would be gone and God would see fit to make me happy.  It does not work like that.  The one ingredient missing was that I was not living my dream.  I was always living the dreams of others. When I began living my dreams and my life then is when my blessings began.  I am not saying I did not work hard, or the money did not come.  What I am saying that in all the wanting I was not living my dreams and my life.  It is not a matter of being selfish it is a matter of loving yourself enough and working to make yourself a good citizen of this planet.  That is who I am and what I want to work towards.

Of all our human resources, the most precious is the desire to improve.

Of all of our human resources, the most precious is the desire to improve.  I heard this statement a few days ago and realized this is my answer to people concerned that I am overextending myself.

A few years ago I was getting a divorce, moving home, suffering from fybromyalgia and had really just given up on life. I would talk to people in support groups trying to figure out how they made it when I could barely leave my bed.  The answer was simple they all had a desire to improve the situation in which they found themselves.

Don't get me wrong.  I have had many days of self doubt.  I didn't want to get out of bed. I didn't want to work pass the pain.  I wanted to have my life back. I didn't want to live at home.  However, I did want to improve.  At that time I changed careers.  This change allowed me to realize that I still had dreams. One of my biggest dreams was to complete my degree.  Since I had recently left the field I had been in since my teen years, I was a bit lost on where to go.  The one thing that had brought me joy at work had been makeup.  I remembered my days at the Lancome counter that were some happy days.  I loved making people feel special.  But there was something missing. I could definitely do a makeup application in no time flat but I was always telling the client about skincare.

I then wanted to be the person taking care of the skin and doing the makeup.  I got lucky and worked for a group that believed in education. They told me they could help me go back to school if I liked. I jumped at the chance. It took nine months of sacrifice but was worth it I would have my esthetic certification. I had a position I could move into as soon as I got my license.  That is when things changed in my mind.  I wanted more. I wanted to have not only the certificate but my degree and to own my own business.  I decided to take a class while working on the last semester of my certification. In May at our graduation ceremony, one of the history professors spoke. He said "If you think this is the end of your education process, you are wrong. You aren't done yet."  He was right and his words echo in my mind when the days get to long or I am tired.

To be an active participant in this thing called life, we are constantly learning.  It may not be in a formal institution but we learn something everyday.  I took that statement and continued working towards my bachelors degree.  I had a plan. As soon as I finished my degree, I was going to go back and get my teaching certification for esthetics.  Every semester I struggled with the balance or work, school and living my life. Nevertheless, with each course I completed I was closer to my goal.  This past summer I realized I had only three courses to go to get my associates. I hurried and signed up for the three thinking I could graduate and start at Sam Houston State in January. By chance at a graduation ceremony I was told that I could possibly start my instructor training at the end of the summer. I went through the process was told there was not a program for me.  I was not discouraged however, I kept asking others how they obtained their training. Finally I got a positive answer and was enrolled in the program. It was 2 years earlier than my plan but I am ready. I still am going to get my associates and transfer to Sam Houston but it will be on hold at least for this semester.

 No, I am not a brainiac, overachiever or total bookworm I just have the desire to improve me for me and to actually live my life.

30 Days of Awareness Day 5

I did not want to get up this morning.  It was late last night when I went to sleep.  Coming home at 940 each night makes it hard to go straight to sleep.  I am normally so wound up that I cannot relax. So when I woke up it was a struggle to get out of bed.  I did not have time to reflect before I started my day.  I got ready and went straight to work.

However, when I got to work my schedule was bare.  Not one single client scheduled today.  I was okay with it I have a list of things to do starting with reading for school.  It was about ten when I left work and since I got home I have done nothing.  I talked to my mother for a few minutes and finally got off my tush.  I washed my brushes something that I had put off.  Then I started thinking.  Why has it taken me so long to realize my dreams?

The answer is simple no matter how you look at it.  If you look at it from a spiritual standpoint.  God was working in his time and not mine.  It can also be said that I was not ready in God's eyes or with life.

I have contemplated that fact for so many years and did not understand this until recently.  In life I kept asking why not me?  Why can't I have the happy life or the nice house, why is my life so much harder than others.  But really I have to say all those things made me the unique person that I am.  

The hatred and anger that I had in my heart was so intense it was blocking my blessings.  Don't get me wrong I have been married twice.  I lived in two houses and liked different things about them.  I have been happy in my life and had many great memories.  There was always something more that I wished for in each instance.  More importantly there was something in me that was not right.

I figured it all out when I started school in August of 2011.  I had been so busy living everyone's life but not my own. I was a mom, wife, daughter but I really did not have a career. Nor was I able to have much time to myself.  The kids are grown up and I am divorced.  I was finally able to start working for my dreams.  

Originally I wanted to get my estheticians license and finish my business degree. Halfway through my first semester I started taking business classes. I worked hard every semester. 

A turn of events with my job in September 2013, made me readjust almost everything. I happened to be at a quarterly training estheticians. Normally after these classes a co-worker and I would get something to eat then head back towards work. While at dinner a lady approached me and told me that I would have to quit my job tomorrow or I would be fired. She told me that the other two managers were conspiring to fire me. If I wanted to leave on my terms then I needed to do so the next day. She explained that she was giving me a message from God and told me things that no one knew about me. I got back to work and immediately was jumped by the two managers. I left thinking about my dinner conversation.  

I went home that night and had a long talk with my mother as I prepared my resignation letter. I was confronted the next morning again.   I quit my job due to difficulty with a new manager hired in over me. I was not angry.  I called the owner of the business and asked for a meeting. I turned my resignation into him and after a long talk and lots of tears from both of us I left.  Three years of ups and downs came to a close.   But more importantly all the stress, anger, exhaustion and attitude disappeared instantly.  A few days later I signed a lease on a new business location. 

I reassessed my goals and plans again and went to work for another location. I have to be thankful to the owners of my previous location for helping with the move. I was nervous about starting again. I had been injured in an accident in April of 2013 my past job the new manager had used my injury against me. Those events started me thinking about what I want to do when I am not performing facial services. I knew that I wanted to get my certificate as an esthetic instructor. I even began to talk like I had the job. Up until this past summer semester I was focusing on my degree and working on my business.  I figured I had another two years before I could do anything else. I have been an member of the advisory board for cosmetology since graduation.  I attended several meetings and events throughout the year.  One such event this summer was a graduation. I stayed after the graduation to talk with some of my instructors and other members of the board.  We somehow came to the subject of the instructor program and one of the staff told me to contact the counselor to enroll.  When I did she told me that the program was only for cosmetology.  I was upset and started asking where I could go to get my training.  Luckily one of the instructors who had been out of town contacted me.  She told me they could do the program I would have to apply that night. Of course I immediately did so.  She called the next day to set up an interview. I was nervous got up early and was ready hours before I had to meet her.  The interview was a series of 5 questions.  I was done in 5 minutes. I was in shock. I did not know what to do with myself I was in.  The program that I thought was two years off was happening now.  I quickly cancelled my other classes.  

I told all of this to show that prior to this I was not ready.  God was not ready for me to have this.  Now that he is things are falling into place.  I am in place.  I am happy for the most part.  Yes, I do have my times when I am sad. I do want more out of life.  I still want that home.  I want to be able to come home to peace and quiet. I want to be able to cook in comfort.  I want to be able to touch all my stuff that has been in storage for the past four years.  

But what I do not want is to go back. I am happy in the now living in the now.  I do have plans for the future. Success will only come with a plan. So I wait, I work hard, study harder and pray for guidance. I am ready.  

30 days of Awareness Day 4

As I continue this exercise I realize there is so much that has gotten me this far in life.  Last night while I was in class I listened to the other students.  No I was not judging their comments or actions just seeing myself in each one of them.  I have to say they are for the most part in their 20's and have not had a great deal of life experience. It got me to thinking, why is it that we take so long to get to this point in life. Could it be that we need this time to experience life.  Is this something that we could pass on or down so others have an easier time getting to this point?

I sit her this morning and ponder all these life lessons.  I spoke in an earlier post about the anger that I felt towards God, but I was also angry at society for letting these hurts happen. I see this anger in the students.

So today I am grateful for the past, the healing and life itself.  The past has taught me who I no longer wish to be and shaped who I am today. The healing has allowed me to overcome past wounds and move on to bigger and better things.  Life, I have found in the past few years is for living.  I have learned to get out on my own, to explore and try new adventures.  I have learned to live and love.

By no means am I perfect person.  I still cannot tolerate those who take advantage over others or are inconsiderate.  I live with one of those types and not by choice.  I also have no patience with those types. They feel their lives are more important than others and will walk over someone who is weaker in a heartbeat without looking back.  Okay,  yes I still have some anger.  This is one of those test that I am faced with every single day that I live in my mother's house.  I fight to keep my mouth shut. But my question is why should I have to?

30 days of Awareness Day 3

I was absent for a few days. I was going to try and lump all the days together to catch up. However, I would lose the reality and emotion of this adventure. I started last night but could not wrap up all my thoughts into one.  I wanted to get out of these four walls.  Originally I was supposed to be out of the house Friday to Monday.  However, Friday I found myself in a horrible mood and not feeling so well. I pretty much stayed in bed all day. I worked on my last post and my latest project. I began writing some deep poems to fit my mood.  By ten I was feeling sick.  Three shots of crown and 2 shots of NyQuil I figured would kill whatever it was.  Saturday morning felt much better and reverted to the original plan to hang out with Aaron.   While I awaited his arrival I worked on my awareness.  I was on a role explaining how I came to my present time and the a few of the obstacles that I encountered along the way. 

At the beginning of this exercise I had several questions going through my mind. 
Who am I? 
What do I want to accomplish?
 Where do I see myself? 

It is funny that now I can answer these questions with ease. Four years ago I had no clue. Maybe it is the fact of my age or what I have been through. No matter they deserve an answer.

In regards to Who am I?   I am so many things. I am a child, a sibling, a friend, a mother, a lover, a wife, a student, a teacher, a child of God, a warrior in the fight for me, a writer, a reader, the list could go on for days.  

Nevertheless, the most important out of everything is that I am a child of God.  You may see me post something about God. I really mean what I post.  I have found in the past few years that for many years I was mad at God. I was mad because of things that happened to me in my childhood.  I was mad at him for not making me wealthy. I was mad because my marriages ended. I was mad because it seems that I have to struggle for everything. I was mad because my grandmother died.  Heck I was even mad because Elsa the best dog in the whole world died without me or my brother.  I was mad because we did not have the '"Leave it to Beaver" household.  

In all this I never gave thanks for what I had become, for what I have, for who I have had in my life and most of all the memories.  I could be worse off.  I could have nothing. I could even be nothing. But instead I have turned tragedy into triumph with the grace of God.  Yes I had some hardships. But there are so many that have been through worse. No I have not won the lottery financially, but I have won the life lottery. 

I have 3 beautiful children that I don't see as much as I would like.  But they are all contributing to society.  My oldest Chris takes everything and bottles it up inside. I have to say he and Heidi make a wonderful couple. I wish for him to finish culinary school so he can find a great job creating wonderful food. Metin recently got married and has a wonderful wife.  I wish for him and Jessica a long and happy marriage and that they both finish school. Yasmin I have to say worries me the most.  As long as she is with her father things will not be good for her.  I feel like I have failed her most of all.  I wish that I could have a house where she could live and be at peace.  

I want to accomplish or see those things happen for my kids.  I want to go back to having dinners at a table as a family. Some of my fondest memories are surrounded by food events.  Pancake breakfast, bbq or even fried chicken dinners. My grandmother was always cooking something good.  I want to cook in a beautiful kitchen. I want to have order to my things and to have my things.  

For me personally I want to finish the student teaching and get a job with Chi Lone Star.  I want to reopen my own spa and be able to work with the people that I have had as clients in the past few years. I want to finish my degree just to say I made it.  

I want to be able to have my mothers home like it used to be.  We always had company that left and went to their own homes.  

What happened that made me change four years ago?   I moved here while in the process of my divorce.  I was very sick at the time and really it was the better idea.  I wanted to move in an apartment in Friendswood near work.  Not moving there was one of the best and worst things I could have done.  The best because I could once I got on my feet, pay off some of my bills.  I could have a roof under my head during that recovery and even now.

The other thing that has happened is that I know I don't want to stay here.  I want to be able to come home to a peaceful home. No Donna, Devon, Courtney, No people sleeping on the couch. No loud televisions waking me up. No frogs croaking all night.  NO CLUTTER IN EVERY SINGLE ROOM.  NO LOUD TALKING. A COMFORTABLE REAL BED. AND MORE THAN ONE BATHROOM THAT EVERYONE CAN USE.

I see myself teaching at Chi.  I see myself working for myself. I see myself traveling. I see myself living in a beautiful home.  I declare all this for me and my life.