I was told this evening that I am a bad parent.

Have you ever been told that you are a bad parent. Today was my second time hearing this from one of my children. It came from my oldest son  Christopher Gloyd this time. His sister was the first.  Three years ago I apologized to all three of my kids for the mistakes I made.  He was the only one who never said anything about it.

 He is about to be 34 on Friday. He has always been stoic. In the past few years only talks if he needs something.  He thinks that this behavior is somehow an adult behavior. He told me that I was a bitch to all three of his girlfriends.  Yes, I admit I do have a strong personality.  But I am not concerned at all with whom he is with.  That is a decision only he can make.  I have not hated any of his girlfriends.

I went wrong during my first divorce.  I let my ex push me out of the equation.  He tells everyone that he never did anything to me.  If you call pulling a gun on me twice nothing okay.  If you call verbal abuse nothing okay.  If you call a 3 year affair nothing okay.  If you call being told you can't harass your ex-wife at work nothing (by the store security and store manager) okay.  If you call death threats nothing okay.  But all this is what I lived with for many years even after the divorce.  At the time I was not as strong as I am now.  I would not ask for help.  My mother defended him not knowing most of this.  She still doesn't.  She was privy to many of the heated threats.  She was there when he took me to court while I was battling illness. I don't think many believed me my ex was and is a charmer.  That is until you are of no use to him.

Yes, I have said no to my kids.  Yes, I was not the easy parent.  Yes, I think I could have done more. But when a person does not communicate with you how are you to know how they feel?

I had the same conversations with my mom.  I was mad at her for a long time for things that happened in my childhood.  After years of self help books and introspection I know that she was not to blame entirely. Nevertheless I did not disrespect my mother or her home.

What I want to know is how long will you hold on to this anger?  this disrespect?  this cold attitude.

The power of positivity

Changing the clock back this past weekend got me to thinking late Saturday evening and early Sunday morning. I thought in the past week I had changed a few things and come out better.

I had gotten sick a week before and because of the sickness I had to change my eating habits drastically. It was not a good thing to be sick but I needed to make the best of the situation. At the time I got sick I lost the ability to eat anything greasy, dairy or heavy. Through the week I had tried these foods out of sheer hunger and each time ended up doubled up in pain. I was on the BRAT diet and felt like I was losing weight. Since then I have made only a slight modification to the diet and added baked chicken breast, watermelon and cantaloupe.  I had already missed work one day and school two days that week.  Ending the week by changing time and gaining an hour of sleep seemed simple in comparison.  So what if I change something else? I went to bed with these thoughts Saturday night and woke bright and early at 5 a.m. Sunday morning. I had been waking up at six prior to this morning because of my body clock.

As I lay there thinking it dawned on me that it was a perfect day to implement positive change.What would be the best way to implement my change.  I thought about the things that I had wanted to do for a long time.  The list was meditation to get along and control my attitude, bible study and writing.

I did not move for the longest time.  I began the meditation with some deep breathing and relaxing my muscles. I read that meditating before you even wake up is a good exercise to get the mind and body in gear for the day. I worked from my toes up to my head.  I controlled my breathing and relaxed segments of my body at a time. Feeling nature and the earth. I could feel the tension leaving my body. The headache I had been battling for over a week was easing. I continued this exercise for 30 minutes. I have not really meditated before so I thought that was a good length of time.  After I lay there for 30 minutes I didn't want to move right away so I lay there breathing. My mind felt so clear and in tune.

At this point I went on with my day. My mantra was positive mind positive day.

I made some coffee realizing as I clean the kitchen how calm I was.  Normally I get upset when I have to do the dishes because I rarely eat at home.  But I did so with a smile and a lighter step as I contemplated my day. Coffee in hand I wanted to complete one of my other changes.

 I have been neglecting church and bible study lately.  So I decided to watch online. As I listened to the music and the pastor two topics stuck out in my mind. The first was about a dream that I had several days before and the second was how I came to know Jesus. As I wrote the words came quickly without thinking. My thought process was clearer. It was then that I realized it was only 830 in the morning as I completed my second blog entry.

I made plans to complete the rest of my to do list.  As the day went by I remained clear and focused my energy level was high.  When the sun went down I did not regret what I had not completed like I normally do.  Instead I made a list of things to do the following day.  I made a promise to myself to wake each morning an hour earlier to meditate, write and plan.

In what ways is your sensitivity increasing? What changes have you made in your life to accommodate your sensitivity?

I have found in the past few years that my sensitivity to em"People, events and words has grown.

In my past I was shut off from the world.  I did not let life touch me emotionally. I really didn't care what was happening around me. I actually tried my best not to listen or hear what the universe was trying to tell me.  I had empathy but only to an extent. I lived I a fog of non-existence.  

When I was younger I felt so much and left myself open to everything.  As I was hurt by people I began to shut down.  With each hurt a bit of the wall around me grew.  Nevertheless this all changed several years ago.  I was out of work quite a bit suffering with fibromyalgia.  I had a lot of time to think and reflect. I had a lot of time to work on the person I was.  I definitely wanted to change this. I was not living for me but for everyone in my life. This I knew had to change immediately.  I t took me a long time to learn the word No.  As I began living for me my sensitivity to the universe was opened.  My intuition was active again.  I began to enjoy life with less.  I began to truly live my life.  I have missed so much of life but I guarantee I will. Be sensitive to the rest.