Time passes

Omg.  It has been a long time since I have written anything on this blog.

A great deal has transpired since then.  In February, I left the teaching job. It was in a sense a way of taking my life back.  At the same time, actually the same day,  I found out that my mentor, friend, and colleague Margrit, was returning to Switzerland to live out her final days.  Wow, what a day!

I found out at 8 a.m. and had to tell my boss at 12 that afternoon that I was giving her 3 weeks to get the staff situated. I had conflicts with family matters, the drive was killing me and I personally was unhappy. That morning I had decided to tell my boss.  I had butterflies and felt sick and was determined to get it over with.   I made the decision to spill my heart. However, the moment I walked into the school, I was made aware of Margrit's condition. I was upset, partly because I did not get to say goodbye but mainly I felt that I failed her.  The woman that I spent the last year and a half with daily was on her last days and there was nothing I could do or say to change that outcome. I also could not stay with the school that was her passion.

I digress.  A week prior to this, myself, Margrit, my mother and a few friends had attended a bible study.  We had been trying to get Margrit out to be social for months.  Some of her other friends had been trying for years. On this occasion, she said yes.  we were all so happy. It was so magical.  The group shared great conversation and food.  

That evening myself, my mother and Margrit had stomach issues.  At first, I thought from the food.  I missed work that next day and mom stayed in bed.  Margrit went to work. She was so determined to be there.  I spent that day and subsequent days over a bucket.  I was sick for the rest of the week. 

Unbeknownst to me, Magrit ended up in ICU the very next day.  She had been hiding the fact that she had not really been well for a week.  She was barely keeping anything down. She called on a friend that had been helping her for several months. Thank goodness for friends.  Our friend stayed with Margrit for several days until she was sent home. Fortunately, two of our collective friends were able to help Margrit get home to Switzerland. 

That was February.  I left the school three weeks later.  I was happy to have the time to spend in my business and with friends.  I missed Margrit.  I missed the school.  My life was more about my business and my dreams.  

People say they often think about people that are sick or have passed.  I thought of Margrit often after she left for home.  I would walk in the woods near the house and think of what she would say.  I remembered how we often talked about the healing power of trees, nature, music, art, energy work, and writing.  We shared many conversations on diet and how to avoid cancer. Really how an alkali diet is the best defense against many diseases.  We talked about death and how she did not want to die a horrible death.  

A month before Margrit left, we talked about life and living to the fullest.  I do not know how we got on the subject. Margrit told me that I needed to live my life on my terms.  She said that if I was to be happy I needed to decide my path. She told me not to do what she did.  Not to run away from life or hide. To face it with courage. To get out with friends and family. Most of all to be happy each day. On my walks, after she went home, I went over her words. On several occasions, I sent her pictures of the trees and lakes. I only heard from her once.  At this point, she was sleeping most of the time.  The doctors had her on morphine and sedated most of the time to keep her comfortable. She was at least with her family.  

Monday, May 16 at 8 a.m. Margrit passed away.  I found out the following day on my way home. It was something I knew already.  I cried for a few minutes.  I could almost hear her say "stop crying, there is no reason to cry".  I got the spa and stayed in my car to post her passing on Facebook.  It was the only way for me to get the word out to all her students of the past. As people responded we cried together and remembered.  

I spoke to her closest friend later that afternoon.  This friend is also my former boss. She realized that I was aware that Margrit had passed. We remembered together. I smiled after this conversation. I was happy for Margrit.  She lived and died on her terms.  

The thing she was most unaware of is how she changed lives especially mine.  I have heard from so many people that feel the same way.  She is the most intelligent woman that I ever met. I miss her.  I am happy for her legacy that lives on through all who encountered her in school and business.  She is still here within us.  We all will pass on her legacy.

Life has truly been a dance for me the last few years.

To make a long story short. In 2010, I got a divorce I did not see coming. I had nowhere to go and very little money saved. I moved home. It killed me to have to do so. I was sick and had been diagnosed with fibromyalgia a year before.

I was lost and hopeless. I started a new career and this led me back to school to work on my passion skin care and makeup. I obtained my esthetic license in 2012. I decided that I had made it that far so I should finish my degree. I just obtained my cosmetology instructors certification and A.A.S in management last week.

I was happy and the dance got me temporarily. I went to lunch with a friend and met up with her friend who offered me a job last Friday. What? It was supposed to be lunch. We left and I was amazed nothing like this happens to me.

I went inside her townhome  just for five minutes and a lady side swiped my car with a 28 ft U-haul truck. I was calm strangely. She eventually left the scene before the police came. So I had to deal with that as well. I had to leave my car. I have never left my car like that. I know it sounds stupid.

I got home with the help of a good friend and to pick up a rental car the next day. I was assured my car would be a the shop Monday. Monday comes and I go to the shop no car it is missing.

This happens after I had been at the IRS to find out about the fraud with my taxes that has been going on since Feb. I was one of the people who had my identity stolen. After waiting in line for 30 minutes  (this is my third time there since Feb. with no answers to when I get my money back)

I am still calm after all this. The lady helping me takes care of everything and ask how the rental is? I explain it is horrible and dirty.

She even gets that straight and a new car. I say all this to say I ended the day having dinner with my best friend and know that in this dance of life I have much to be grateful for even with all the adversity.

Happy

Happy!! The emotion I felt as I returned to work at French Quarter Salons.  I work there in my business "Bringing Out the Beauty in You" and for the Institute of Cosmetology and Esthetics.  Today was my first day back to French Quarter since the school took our winter break. I have worked but on location with a couple of brides.

As I entered my suite I felt an instant calm come over me. It was still early and most of the other practitioners had not arrived. I began to prepare for my client. As I moved about the room tears came to my eyes and I said out loud "I missed this. I am at this  point in my life truly happy." I had not worked much in the salon for the past two months. Instead, I worked on location with five brides and at my other job. I quickly finished my preparation and went to the lobby.  

I began talking to Rhonda the manager and confessed that I had regretted my decision of signing a two-year lease up until that moment. I told her I had not realized how much I enjoyed working in the salon.  How happy I was every time I walked through the doors. No matter if I was working a full day or not it was always a happy place to come.  

Just be in this moment

This morning I woke up to discover that I don't have a voice again.  I was bummed and instantly bored.  I have really done nothing the past few days.  Saturday evening, everything was fine.  I attended a party for work.  I did drink a little more than I have been over the past few months.  I felt a little off and left the party early.  I went to another party and left there as well.  I went home and got in bed.  I was asleep for a few hours when it hit.  Nausea, then vomiting.  I thought the alcohol was the cause originally.  I slept for most of the day.

For those of you that do not know my normal routine for the past three months has been the same.  I am up at 530 or 6 in the morning every day.  Yes, even my off days.  I surf the web, check email and do a workout.  Hey don't judge it is a time I pick.  I am in the shower latest 630 and out the door by 710 on workdays.  If I am off, I am normally walking as soon as the first light hits so I can see the sunrise and the forest wake up.  This is a time when I talk to God.  In the evening on workdays I do the opposite.  I time my walks to watch the sun set.

Anyway, I did not get out of bed until noon Sunday.  I had a horrible headache, my body ached and I was still nauseated.  I thought my throat hurt from the vomiting so I stayed in bed and did very little.  I realized later in the day that my voice was going.  Great that is all I needed.  I got back in the bed took some oils and medication.  I vegged on TV for the rest of the day. 

Monday morning I got up late.  I did not really hear the alarm. (Very unusual for me)  I hurried getting ready for work.  I was sore but in such a rush to make it on time I really did not think.  I hate being late.  I drove as fast as I could and got to work no one was there.  I began to realize at this time that I really felt weak, hot, nauseous, and like I was going to pass out.  I sat there trying to do very little.  I had a test to give, grade and go over.  I thought how bad can that be.  My voice faded again after I began talking with the class. After we went over everything I left.  I came home and got back in bed.  I have been there since.  I finally got up to take a shower this morning.  I tried to go in today no luck.  I have very little voice.

I explain all this to say, I was bored until a hour ago.  I have no reason to be bored.  I have hundreds of books and magazines to read.  I have five blankets to finish. I have to send out cards.  The list goes on and on.  What I have not done enough of is take care of me.  I haven't had a vacation in a year and a half.  All of my trips have been working trips. I really haven't done much for me.  That one day off that I have is normally spent working out, yard work, cooking, laundry, grocery shopping and getting ready for the lesson for Monday's class.  In other words I am always busy.

In this moment, I was given a sign to just be. Relax and listen to Christmas music, watch endless movies, not think about work and reflect. Last night listening to a Lakewood broadcast I was reminded that we all have been given  a purpose.  We cannot fulfill this purpose with a mind or body that is weak.  We have to keep ourselves strong to do what God has for us.  Only then can we be strong in our journey. I want to be strong enough to do as our creator wishes. 

Today I am focusing on just being. Enjoying these days in bed and getting my strength back.  As well as my voice.  It is a moment in time.  Just a small moment. I am grateful for this time. 

Reframing expanded

This morning I thought of a post from Pepper Vintage. This is kind of long but give a few minutes to explain.

I was angry going to bed last night. I live at home with my mom, aunt, and son. My aunt is a very negative person and a taker.  My mom is a very passive person and this drives me nuts.  I don't know where I went wrong with my son, well actually looking back I could have done so many things differently. My son has a very unappreciative attitude like most of the children these days. Except he is thirty-five. 

Yesterday began with a 530 a.m. wake up to watch my grandson. It was a wonderful day of smiles and laughter from him. I looked around my son's home and was instantly more proud of him and his wife. I thought how far all of my kids have come from their infancy.  My oldest is a chef and a very good one. My daughter is headed for a great career in forensics and is excited about it all. However, I digress to yesterday. When I got home at six I was hungry and tired. We did not have anything in the refrigerator that I wanted to eat so I took myself to dinner. I got back around eight and immediately went to bed. Thirty minutes into my winding down someone beats on my door like they are the police. It was my uncle Robert bringing me a Christmas present. My uncle, my mom, and aunt thought it was funny. I did not. I went back to bed. By now it is close to ten p.m. and the lights are off and all I can hear is yelling, stomping and banging. I want to say something so badly but don't because I respect my mother. This noise continues until midnight. I cannot sleep with a lot of noise in the house. I do not sleep well anyway. I have sleep apnea and am not using my machine because I lost my cord when I moved here years ago. I am furious when I finally am able to go to sleep. 

I woke up this morning furious. I went to clean the kitchen. Last night there were only a few dishes to be cleaned. I thought okay I have not been here but I will help out. Nope........ this morning it is a disaster area.  Empty food containers and trays with garbage laying on the counter. I wanted coffee first but someone had used both of my personal mugs and left them in the sink. (I never put my mugs in the sink) The coffee pot is dirty. Uggggggggggggggggggg I am furious. I clean my cups make a pot of coffee. This house is so cluttered I am on the verge of throwing it all away. I am so mad I want to eat something, have a stiff drink, punch someone in the face.

I got my breakfast and coffee and went back to my room. I sat and started going through facebook and thought why am I angry? None of this all bothers anyone but me.  Am I crazy? I saw a post that made me think about gratefulness. I began to reframe the whole situation. Yes, some people are inconsiderate and selfish but I do not have to be like that.

My thought process began to change. I have so many other things for which I am truly grateful. God picked me to wake this morning. It was a beautiful morning. It is peaceful in the house and I have time to think study, write and yes clean the kitchen in peace. I am healthy. I have a wonderful profession that I enjoy and jobs that I do not consider work. Yesterday I got to have a wonderful talk with my beautiful daughter in law Jessica. Jessica's parents are wonderful people that are not only family but becoming great friends as well.  I spent the last two days alone with my grandson. Something that I normally do not get to do because I work six days a week.  I was able to cook dinner for my son Metin and daughter in law and help them a little more. I had dinner with friends purely by accident at our favorite spot Texas Roadhouse Spring. I began a new afghan that hopefully will find a good home.

Reframing this situation I can feel the calm return. I am at peace within myself. I am ready for the rest of the day.

What is peace?

What is peace?

Peace to me is not only the quiet but also the feeling that you get when everything is flowing.  I have been struggling with this a bit lately.  I have so much going on that I find myself in a constant state of chaos.  This evening at the beginning of class, the instructor we were with asked if something was wrong. I was stuck. I couldn't even think of an answer. This morning I woke up showered, went to Office Depot, Sally's and Ulta before ten.  I came home and began assembling four final projects for class.  I left early for class as I usually do. However, today we were at the main campus and it looked like rain so I left even earlier. As I left my house the rain began. I wasn't complaining about the rain at all. I had prepared and rain brings me peace. So by the time I saw this instructor, I was out of it again.  I have had this issue off and on for several weeks.  To understand this you should know I am taking two classes for cosmetology instructor, one co-op class, financial accounting and have to prepare a business history for a course substitution. So technically I am preparing five projects for four classes. Before you say that I am crazy, the information for all of them is similar. Nevertheless, making four copies of things and putting them in sheet protectors in separate binders takes time.  I digress and this is why I find it hard to find peace lately.

I read an article several days ago with the steps below.  So I have been challenging myself to find peace in each moment.  It is midnight and one would say I should be sleep and that would give me peace. I find peace in writing.  I want to let others see and hear that they are not alone.  We are all in this together. This is my way of helping myself and others to find solace in the stillness.

Note the words in red are from the article and not my own.

Step 1.

Identify whatever idea you are holding onto that's preventing you from feeling peace right now in this moment - name it. We're not talking about naming your circumstance. We're talking about identifying your BELIEF about your circumstance.

There are several things I can think of immediately that I have a hard time or simply won't get past. One being my living situation. The other is uncertainty about my business and job. Now don't misunderstand I love my profession and I am more than capable.  The leap is what scares me.  Some say if I had faith I would not be so worried.  I have faith.  Trust me.  A faithless person would not want to do what I am doing or the amount that I am doing.  These are my beliefs about the situation.  Just seeing them on paper is shocking.

Step 2.

Become willing to let it go. Make believe you CAN let it go. What would it be like if that belief DIDN'T EXIST? How would you feel without your circumstance and the people involved? What would your life be like without that thought? Who would you be if you were no longer holding onto that limiting belief?

Now.... right now... do you feel a sense of relief? If not, then you have more to let go of!

If I did not believe what I said above I think I would realistically be closer to peace but no totally.  I would still feel the same way about the people involved.  One of them knows what she is doing playing the victim.   The other situation is all about me being insecure about growing my personal business. My life without either thought or reality might be a little more carefree.  If the person didn't exist I would most likely be much calmer.  The business will be there however, the situation won't.  Once I commit to just running my business then I will be fine.  Part of letting go is the acknowledgement. 

Step 3.

Wash. Rinse. Repeat. Start from Step 1 and do it again with the next thing that's disturbing your sense of well-being. First identify the belief or attitude, and then become willing to let go of that thought that is causing upset. Repeat the first two steps over and over until you feel a release.

This will definitely take time to work through but I will keep at it and post my results.

Step 4.

Check inside again. Can you feel the absence of upset? That's peace. Can you feel a clean, fresh feeling? Take a deep breath of it. That's peace.

Meditation, being out in nature and writing helps bring peace.  These things return my thoughts to the positive and bring back my focus.

What would you be willing to give up to keep this feeling of peace?

I have already given up a great deal.  I do not know if there is more I have to give.  I rarely see friends or family because of my schedule.  I do not have much time when I am not working on school or business related projects. Moving is the biggest thing I think that would help and then I would not be able to watch over my mother.  I really do not want to give that up.

What would you be willing to do to stay peaceful?

At this moment, I would be willing to do almost anything. One exception would be my mom.

If you want to keep the feeling of peace, make a choice not to entertain those upsetting thoughts anymore. Just say, "I've had enough of you."

I have not been saying this specific thought, however I have been separating myself from the issues. I have also been taking more me time just to rejuvenate.

I know what you're thinking, "Paige, This is RIDICULOUS. How will erasing my upsetting thought give me lasting peace? There are still problems in my life! I can't just quit life and sit on a mountaintop! I've got real challenges!"

Yes.  That is how I feel.

The Fine Print

Every time you allow yourself a break from the anxious thinking (it has to be a true break), you rewire your brain and make space for more feelings of calm. This is why I am journaling this activity and placing it out in the universe. Every rest you take is BUILDING UPON THE LAST. I definitely believe this is true. So, you are actually creating forward movement every time you remember to let go. Peace is built one moment at a time. Rome was not built in a day. Today, you might live without your worrisome thoughts once. Tomorrow, you may rest from your anxieties twice. The next day you might practice taking a break four times, and so on. Remembering is always a challenge for me when I am working so hard at everything.

But don't worry about tomorrow or the next day. Just sit for a minute NOW and imagine what it would feel like for your worry to magically disappear... as if you had a magic wand!

Poof?  I believe my time is coming for peace and space to have peace.  My time is definitely coming.

Poof!

Blessings of the day

I was out running errands that I have put off all week. I prayed the whole time I was out for resolve. I don't want anything in particular. I have so much and others have so little. I am seeking guidance on knowing peace. I thought I should go to the Arboretum and be with nature. However, I have a full plate for the day. So I rolled down my windows. Yea I know allergies. While I have been out the very cloudy sky opened up to reveal a beautiful blue. As I parked in front of the house I saw 5 cardinals playing in our front yard. I stopped to enjoy the moment and realized, I can smell spring. God has blessed all of us just by waking us up to see this beautiful day. Yes it may storm later, however there is beauty in a storm as well. I pray you all take a moment to enjoy the day.